You Don’t Know Me At All!

Okay, so maybe that was a dramatic title.  It comes from a song by Ben Folds.  That is all.

I’ve started seeing a therapist.  Not to change my orientation or anything like that.  It is more to figure out who I am, to work on depression, and to manage my anxiety and panic attacks I’ve been having in church.  It’s been good for me, but I think the thing I get out of it the most are the realizations I’m making while talking about what I’m feeling.

Today I made a few realizations.  Actually, one was re-realizing that I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, but that is something I’ve felt my whole life and I’ve already talked about that on this blog.  What I realized today is that I feel like a lot of people have misconceptions of who I am.  This is everyone from my friends and family all the way to anyone who reads this blog and has no idea who I am.  I don’t think I even know who I am.  I think that K and J are the two people that have the best ideas of who I am and what I really think and feel.

Some people think all I talk about is homosexuality.  It is a prominent subject, I’ll admit that, but it isn’t all I talk about or think about.  I have other parts of my life.  Some people think I am a super-mormon guy who thinks this or that.  I’m not.  Some people think I am dating and “living the lifestyle”, as some may put it.  I’m not.

I’m me, and just me.  I don’t fit any stereotypes.  I am an independent man with thoughts of my own.  You probably don’t agree with my thoughts, but that’s okay.  I like what I think, and I base my beliefs on my own personal thoughts.

Just saying.

A New Pair of Glasses

I got a new pair of glasses today.  I have never worn glasses, and for most of my life, I had near perfect vision.  It’s kind of amazing, actually, that I didn’t get glasses until now.  Most of my family members had to get glasses in their childhood, but somehow I lasted until I was 24.  I’m proud of myself for being the last member of my family to get glasses.

Those of you that wear glasses can probably understand how it felt to realize that your eyesight wasn’t as good as you had thought.  I was amazed to see things suddenly become more clear and defined as the doctor put different lenses in front of my eyes.  Throughout the night, I would look at things without my glasses, and then with them to see the difference.  I could see things so clearly.

I started to wonder, “How did I not know that my eyesight was getting bad?”  It was so obvious!  I had been spending months squinting; I couldn’t see the lines in the road; the fine details in everything were being left out.  Even when I was squinting, I was telling myself that I just wasn’t trying hard enough to focus.

With my glasses on now (which make me look quite incredible, I must say), it is funny to look back and see how I overlooked things and talked myself into believing that I wasn’t losing my once perfect eyesight.

I thought about this tonight, and how it relates to my coming to terms with homosexuality.  It is interesting to look back now and kind of laugh at myself because of how obvious it was.  The fact that I hated dating after my mission; that I would tell myself what girls I had crushes on instead of actually having a crush occur naturally; that I was so intrigued by anything having to do with the “gay community”.  Even when I was starting to come to terms with my homosexuality, I would tell myself that if I just had enough faith, I could be straight.

Now that I am at a better place with it all, I am so happy.  I love who I am – even some of the quirks that I have.

I Think I’m Gay. Now What? (Mormon Edition)

So, you think you might be gay and you are a member of the LDS church (or a member of any faith that discourages homosexuality).  What do you do now?

I remember asking myself that question.  I don’t want to claim to have all the answers, but I would like to write about what I have learned and might be of benefit.  Here is what I found:

• “There is nothing wrong with you. … You are not sick, and you are not wrong, and God does not hate you,” (Harvey Milk).  These are things you absolutely must realize.  Just because you are attracted to people of your same gender does not mean that you are sick or wrong or that God hates you.  It doesn’t mean that you are evil, that you don’t have enough faith, or that your testimony isn’t strong enough.  None of that is true.  Everyone has their own trials.  Some people are born with debilitating illness, while others seem to have constant road blocks.  No matter how hard we try to hide our problems, we all have them, and as Elder Packer has said, “…there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect” (Boyd K. Packer, “The Choice,” Ensign, Nov 1980, 20).

• You are not alone.  There thousands of members of the church that feel attracted to their own gender.  One of the most important realizations I made was that I was not alone.  I was so relieved when I figured this out.  When I made this realization, I was able to figure out that I could remain active in the church if I desired to do so and that I wouldn’t be excommunicated for having a problem.  Some great ways to find people who want to keep their connections with the church are through North Star, Evergreen, and LDS Family Services.
• Find some way to express yourself in writing in an anonymous/semi-anonymous way that will allow you to receive feedback from others.  There are probably several ways to do this, but the two best ways I have to do this is through blogging or North Star discussions.  Here are some differences between the two:

Blogging:  When you have a blog, you are able to write whatever you want.  There are no rules or boundaries that you have to worry about.  If you want to rant and rave about your frustrations just to get them out, you can.  With a blog, you can control comments.  If you don’t want any comments on a certain post (or any posts at all), you can turn that off.  If you want to moderate comments, you can do that.  If you want to be able to post something and then take it down you can.  What happens on your blog is completely up to you.  The problem (or maybe a benefit) with blogging is that you might not have anyone read what you write.  If you are looking for feedback, blogging makes that difficult until you have built a following (sounds kind of cultish, huh?).  The best way to do that is to comment on other blogs and to let Abelard Enigma know that you have a blog so that he can post it in the MoHo Directory.

North Star:  North Star is great because you can address multiple forums (young adults, men, women, parents, etc.) on the topic of homosexuality in the church.  Because North Star is a support group, there are certain guidelines that must be met when writing.  These guidelines help to create a safe environment.  You’ll be able to get a lot of feedback from people that are trying to stay close to the church (where blogging opens you up to the entire world).

I personally recommend doing both, but the important thing is to do what feels right for you.

• Meet other people.  Meeting others will allow you to deepen the realization that you aren’t alone.  Meeting others might feel a little bit risky.  Believe me, I felt the same way.  Why would I want to meet other guys that might be attracted to me when I’m trying to not act on my homosexuality?  Doing so will help you to be able to talk to people that know what you are going through.  Being completely understood is priceless.  There are some really great ways to meet people such as Evergreen/LDS Family Services, Matis Firesides, Logansides, and other gatherings.  These programs are set up to provide a safe atmosphere in which people can meet and talk about what they are going through.  ***A WORD OF WARNING*** I mentioned that meeting people might be risky, and I will confess that it is.  It is very low risk, in my opinion, but there is still the risk that you might meet someone that you are attracted to and they are attracted to you, and that you will want to pursue some kind of relationship.  That risk is there.  Recognize it and move on.  Meeting people will be one of the best things you can ever do for yourself.  (I started by attending a support group at LDS Family Services and then attended the Matis Fireside, which I felt was a good way to transition into things because I was able to go to the fireside with friends instead of going by myself).

• Decide who you will tell about your attractions.  This is something that is a completely individual choice.  I think it is important to tell at least one straight person.  This is important so that you can have someone who doesn’t understand what you are going through give you feedback from another angle than those that understand your struggle.

I also think it is important to tell your parents.  I know that there are situations in which one might not feel comfortable telling their parents.  I know of one guy that doesn’t want to tell his parents, and after hearing their background, I think I quite agree with him.  I think it would be too much for them.  That being said, I think almost all parents will try to be understanding and at least deserve to know.  Telling your parents will result in one of three outcomes:

• They will support you in whatever decision you make.  This is the response I got.  My parents encourage me to remain with the church, but told me that if I were to ever bring a boy home with me, they would welcome him as they would anyone else.  This outcome is rare, but it does happen.

• They will be loving and understanding, and will express their strong desire to have you remain associated with the church.  They may encourage you to continue to date members of the opposite gender.  They will always love you, but if you choose to act on your attraction to the same gender, you will have to face their consequences (which could range from severe disappointment and strain on the relationship to being kicked out of the family).  This, I believe, is the most common reaction.

• They will be upset.  This doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.  Some parents will think you are choosing to be attracted to your same gender.  Some will think that you thinking you are gay means that you will become a pedophile, a drag queen, and/or a slut.

Telling your parents you are gay will be hard for them.  No parent wants to hear that their child is gay.  It probably won’t be the end of the world to them though.  In my experience, I have found that most people are very understanding.  They are willing to admit that they don’t know much about homosexuality or what it is like to experience it, but they will try to be understanding.  Some people may feel like they should treat you different, but if you treat them the same as you always have, they will usually treat you the same.  I have also found that it is easier to talk about it with them if you can joke about it.

When deciding who to tell, I recommend starting off with someone that you know will respond in a positive way.  My first friend I told had been home from her mission for about 8 months when I told her.  She was one of my best friends in high school and we had been through a lot together.  She came home from her mission early because she had a parasite that was making her incredibly sick.  After a week of being home, she told me that she had been struggling with depression for the last few years and had resorted to cutting and was occasionally suicidal.  I, along with her parents, were the only people that knew what was going on.  She was later admitted to the psychiatric ward of a hospital and was able to receive treatment that helped her more than any medicine could.  I knew that I could tell her of my attractions because she had trusted me with such a big secret.  She responded so well and I’m so grateful that I told her.  She and her husband have been extremely supportive of me and I have been able to turn to them many times for help.  Sharing such an intimate secret caused our relationship to deepen and to grow, and I now trust her more than almost anyone.

• Do what is right for you.  Throughout the whole process of coming to terms with your homosexuality, you need to always follow what you feel will be best for you.  I will never tell anyone would they should or shouldn’t do.  I learned this lesson early on.  There was a boy that kept a blog.  It was really depressing to read.  He talked about how he hated himself and how he thought about killing himself, and it was all because he felt attracted to his same gender.  He finally decided to start dating guys.  When he got into a serious relationship, he was happier than he had been in his entire life.  He was finally able to love himself.  That is what worked for him.  It may not be what is right for you, and what is right for you may not have been right for him.  Everyone needs to be able to do what is best for them, and we are to leave the judgment to God.

Who I’ve Become

So, the ‘P’ button and the ‘M’ button don’t really work very well (which is funny because P&M are such commonly used letters in MoHo Writings….. Not that I’m trying to say something about P&M, but just so you know, if there is a missing ‘P’ or ‘M’, that is why).

———————————————

I “came out” a little over a year ago.

One year ago, few people would have thought I was gay.  I dressed just like every other guy, spoke the same way every other guy does, and did things that every other guy would do – at least, on the surface.  I still sat at home, secretly watching “What Not To Wear”.

When I was still in the mind frame that told me I was evil because I’m attracted to guys, I thought I would eventually become “one of those gays”.  You know, the ones that march around in colorful women’s clothing and have sex with every man they find.

I also thought that all gays were pedophiles, so I would eventually become one as well.  I think I was taught those two stereotypes for most of my life, so I thought that is what I would become.

Thank goodness I have since realized that just because I am attracted to men does NOT mean I have to be “one of those gays” or a pedophile.

Right after I came out, I had a dream that I was talking with a lisp.  I woke up freaking out, because I don’t talk with a lisp – yet another thing I thought I would eventually do as a gay man.

After a little while, I began to figure out that I don’t have to live up to those stereotypes I had built up in my mind.  I don’t want to.  I just want to be me.

I also realized that there are some parts of myself that I had been keeping in because I thought that if I allowed myself to do those things, people would make some assumptions about me that I didn’t want them to make.  Now that I have accepted the fact that I am attracted to men and I’m being pretty open about it, I’ve allowed myself to let those parts of me come out.  For example, I try to dress better, and a well dressed man obviously means he is gay, right?  haha, just kidding….but really.

I’m not afraid to admit that I watch shows like “What Not To Wear”, or “Project Runway”.  I go shopping more than I used to.  I cook more than I used to.

These are all little things that I wouldn’t necessarily say are stereotypically gay, but these are things that I tried to avoid when I was younger so that people wouldn’t think I was gay.  People have mentioned to me that they have noticed the change, and some have even said that I have become more gay than I was a year ago.  I suppose they might be right, and in some ways it is true.  Really though, I think it has always been there – the desire to dress well, to cook, to sew, to watch the gay TV shows – but I never felt comfortable with letting myself do those things.  Now that I have nothing to hide, I do those things.  Some friends think it is weird.  My family usually just laughs at me (in a nice way, of course) when I come home with new clothes or when I want to watch “Project Runway”, but I think I am finally letting myself do things that I have always wanted to do but felt like I shouldn’t.  I’m being more real with who I am, and I like it.

Where Have All The Lesbians Gone?

The title of this post may not be accurate, but I don’t care.

When I first got involved with the MoHo Community, I was afraid of lesbians.  I think this is because they are on the opposite end of the spectrum from where I am.  I was afraid of meeting them or talking to them.  Now I have quite a few lesbian friends, and they really are some of my favorite people.  In talking with them and others, I’ve come to realize the following:  it seems there are very few lesbian mormons as opposed to gay mormons.

It seems that way, but I don’t think it is true.  When I have gone to the Matis Firesides, a vast majority of the women there are there to support their friends.  I have maybe seen 4 or 5 female “strugglers” there.  I know there has to be many more out there than what I have seen or heard from.  Where are you?  Why don’t we hear more from you?

I know it is possible that I’m just not looking or that I am missing something, but I don’t think I am.  Please feel free to answer:  Why don’t we hear much about lesbian mormons (active or not)?  Why do the MoHo’s seemingly outweigh the MoHoChicas so much?

————————————

On a slightly unrelated note, I found some videos that I really liked, and I wanted to post a few of them here:

Atonement

A few years ago, I heard a quote from Chieko Okazaki about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I know that when I think about the atonement, it seems very complex and I don’t understand how it can really relate to me.  This quote is quite popular, and was even used in the November Loganside, but I still love it.  I love how Sister Okazaki helps me to understand what the Savior’s atonement does for me individually.

We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we don’t experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually.
That means he knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia. He experienced the gas chambers at Dachau. He experienced napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.
Let me go further. There is nothing you have experienced as a woman that he does not know and recognize.
On a profound level, he understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy.

He understands both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy. He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause. He understands about rape and infertility and abortion.
He understands your mother-pain when your five-year-old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down’s Syndrome. He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old. He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only visitors are children, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years.
He knows all that.
He’s been there.

He’s been lower than all that.

He’s not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us , or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.

You know that people who live above a certain latitude experience very long winter nights and can become depressed and even suicidal, because something in our bodies requires whole spectrum light for a certain number of hours a day.

Our spiritual requirement for light is just as desperate and as deep as our physical need for light. Jesus is the light of the world. We know that this world is a dark place sometimes, but we need not walk in darkness. The people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, and the people who walk in darkness can have a bright companion. We need him, and He is ready to come to us, if we’ll open the door and let him.

Joy

I have a few things that i want to write about and hopefully I will over the next few days, but for right now I feel the need to write about this:

Although I try to optimistic and realistic, there is definitely a part of me that sees the negative in things, and I sometimes dwell on those things.  This has been happening a lot lately and I feel like it would do me some good to list things that I am thankful for, things that bring me joy, or just things that I love.

1. Independent and/or foreign films – I love these because I think the cinematography is beautiful.  These films often make me think about life and where I am in a particular area in my life. They are amazing tools that give me a lot of self reflection.
2. Music – I know this is a broad subject, but I love all kinds of music.  The top two kinds of music that I love, though, are choral music and independent music.  Choral music is absolutely astounding and beautiful to me.  I am particularly fond of Eric Whitacre.  I found his music when I was in the 8th grade, and it blew me away.  When I was in high school, I sang a few of his songs and I absolutely loved it.  Anyone who is familiar with him will probably agree.  He writes music that illustrates the words of the song.  For example, in the song Cloudburst, the choir sings about a rainstorm, and the music sounds like a rainstorm.  In Leonardo Dreams of His Flying Machine, the choir sings about Da Vinci inventing a “flying machine”, and the end of the song sounds like flying.  It is incredible.  As far as Indie music goes, I just love it because of its uniqueness and it is something new to listen to.
3. Hot Chocolate and Herbal Tea – I love hot things, especially when it is drinkable.  Hot chocolate is something that my family loves and we drink tons of it.  When I was in high school, I would often invite friends over and my mom would make us all a cup of hot chocolate.  Right after I got home from my mission, our family would try a new hot chocolate recipe every Monday night.  I found my favorite recipe, and it turns out that I love hot chocolate the most when it is rich and thick.  I love tea, and I love having tea parties.  I just think it is fantastic.
4. Mystery Science Theather 3000 – yes, yes….I know.  I’m a nerd.  But MS3K is probably one of the funniest things I have ever seen.  I love all of them, especially some of the shorts.  I now have a hard time watching movies without making side comments because of it though.  Here are some of my favorite shorts:  Body Care and Grooming, A Date With Your Family, and Mr. B Natural (part 1 and Part 2).
5. Thanksgiving – it’s just the best holiday.  That is all.
6. Helping people – I learned that I really love to help people while I was on my mission, and I plan to have a career that revolves around helping people.

Well, I think that is al that I have for now.  I may update this later today, but for, I think it is good.

World Spins Madly On

Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still

- The Weepies (World Spins Madly On)

Sometimes I worry about the world spinning on without me.  I don’t worry so much about the way the world is going or anything like that, but more in my personal interactions.  Most of my friends will get married and many will have succesful careers.  My family members will marry, have kids, and have their own families.  I will hopefully have my MoHo friends that will be my “family”.  We’ve half joked about buying land and starting our own little community and have our own family where we can just be ourselves and not have people wonder about why we aren’t married or anything like that.  It will be our way of making our own world spin on.

I don’t want to watch the world spin on without me, but I think I’ll have to make my own kind different life that will help me to feel like I’m moving on with my life too.

I Need A Break

I’ve had a lot going on lately – I feel like too much.  My dad is still really sick.  His good days consist of not getting worse, and his bad days involve complications and extreme discomfort.  My mom started a blog to update people as to what is going on with my dad, and if you want to read it here, you can.  With my dad being sick and my mom being in Salt Lake with him, I have been the guy in charge at home, which is pretty stressful.  My brother is handicapped and taking care of him is a huge job by itself.  On top of that, I have to take care of the house and the rest of the people that live here.  Luckilly, my parents ward is great and have been very helpful.  Last of all (yes, I just want sympathy so I am going to ramble on about everything I have to do), I have a few HUGE projects due within the next week or so and I’m trying to work my butt off to get those done.  It is a pain, but I do like most of my homework.

Gay Mormon Boy posted about this website that makes artwork out of common words from your website so I decided to give it a try.  It’s pretty cool!  Here is what I came up with.

I like that Gay, Mormon, and Church are the prominent words in there.  I guess that is what this blog is about, isn’t it?

Answers to Your Questions

It’s been a week, so I think I will now answer the questions sent to me, so….here it goes!

1 – Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

In ten years, I will be….34 years old.  Oh man, that is weird to think about.  Well, by the time I am 34, I hope that I will be working with at risk youth in some way or that I will be wedding planner.  Yes, I know….  By this time, I would like to have accomplished the following: taught English in an oriental country, hike the Appalachian trail, and performed extensive humanitarian work in Africa and Central America.  I will also be looking forward to living in this Sustainable Village in Costa Rica.  I mean, really, how could someone give up tree houses?

2 – What are two of your favorite things about Utah?

Wow, ummm….that is tough.  I think the first thing I like is that there is a lot to do here without having to go too far.  Sure, we don’t have an ocean, but we do have the Great Salt Lake.  Ok, that is nothing like the ocean, other than the salt thing.  Really though, I like that within one state, you can go snowboarding or hiking or boating or whatever you want to do.  I think that Utah is a great place for recreation.  The other thing I like about Utah….hmmm….let me think about that….

3 – What do you like most about Logan?

I’m a pretty big fan of USU.  Especially USU basketball (look how manly I can sound).  I think Logan is a really pretty place and that there are some really good people here.

4 – What is your favorite TV show?

Oh man, there are a few that all come in to a close finish.  Here are some of my favorites:  The Office, 24, Parks and Recreation, Lost, What Not To Wear, and Project Runway.

5 – Who is your #1 celebrity crush?

I have a few, I think.  For a long time, it was Tom Cruise, but I think I got over that when I was about 16.  Currently, though, it is a tie between Sufjan Stevens (musician) and Christopher Straub (designer from Project Runway).  I also have a crush on a female celebrity (gasp!).  Her name is Giada De Laurentis (Food Network chef)

Sufjan Stevens

Christopher Straub

Giada De Laurentis

6 – What were you for Halloween?

I was dressed up as someone who goes to work.  And then I went to work.

7 – If you could live anywhere outside the US, where would it be and why?

I would live somewhere in Europe.  I just like the way the culture seems to be, and I would live in a place where the culture really is how my mind perceives it.  Some specific countries would be Holland, France, Italy, Germany, and Spain.

8 – How old were you when you first started noticing feelings of attraction to males?

The first time I thought “I think I might be gay” was when I was 16, but I kept it tucked away in the back of my mind until I was almost home from my mission.  It wasn’t until October of 2008 that I actually “came out” to someone – which was to a therapist and then to an Evergreen group.

9 – If another Moho came to you asking whether you would recommend that they stay/left the church what would you tell them?

I think the most important thing to do in this life is to to prayerfully follow your feelings.  If that person feels that they would be happier outside the church and has felt like Heavenly Father has told them that it is up to them to decide what to do, then they should follow that.

I also think that there is a lot more gray area than “in” and “out” of the church.  I would recommend that if someone were to be in a relationship that they keep a close relationship with God and to attend a church (LDS or not) as much as they feel comfortable.

10 – If you found a woman who would marry you while knowing about you being gay, would you?

I don’t know.  I almost had the chance a few months ago.  My girlfriend knew that I was gay, which was hard for her, but she told me that she wanted to try.  It was sometimes very difficult to be in a relationship because there were days that I just didn’t want to have physical contact with her, and she knew it.

I don’t think that a mixed-orientation marriage is really fair for either partner, so…I don’t necessarily tell anyone that they shouldn’t get married, but I don’t recommend it either.  I would just be VERY cautious before entering into such a serious agreement.  (I know that people will probably disagree with me on this one)

11 – If you found ‘the guy’ would that make you consider all the possible church/family implications and consequences for a chance of having true love?

That is a really hard question for me to answer.  I really don’t know.  I think I would have to be presented with that situation in real life to be able to give a realistic answer.