The Thanksgiving Post

Thanksgiving is the number one BEST holiday ever created.  Christmas is great, and so are all of the other big holidays, but to me, nothing comes close to Thanksgiving.  There is just so much I love about it.  I love being able to spend time with my family. I love that we have a day set aside for feasting.  I mean, really?  Can it get any better than that?  Thanksgiving is kind of a long day for my family.  We start early in the morning and eat all day.  Because of peoples schedules this year (mostly mine), we are also setting up our Christmas stuff.  I’m pretty excited to be able to spend a whole day with my family.  That doesn’t happen very often.

My family is awesome.  They are pretty much the best people I know.  We’re all kind of weird and extremely honest with each other.  We just do and say what is on our minds.  Sometimes this is a shocker for people we have over that are a little more conservative.  My mom loves to cook, and likes to get feedback on her food.  We love to eat, and we like to tell her what is good and what isn’t.  When my ultra-conservative brother-in-law had dinner with us for his first time, he about went into shock when we told our mom that her new recipe wasn’t very good.  Things like that were not allowed to be said in his house.  It’s kind of funny.  Anyway, sorry about that tangent.  About my family.

My mom is really the epitome of what my family is.  She is so loving and kind.  At her fiftieth birthday party, everybody commented on how she is always giving.  It is true.  She invited some new neighbors from the UK over for thanksgiving this year.  This isn’t the first time we’ve had guests over for Thanksgiving.  She has invited families from India, students who had to stay up here, and sometimes people she barely knows.  She’s always trying to get me to invite my friends over for Sunday dinner.  She loves to talk to people, and she loves to laugh.  She is so accepting of everyone.  She doesn’t always agree with what people are doing with their lives, but she tries to deeply understand why they are doing what they do.  She loves people for who they are.  Simply put, my mom is the bomb.  (Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve used “the bomb”)

This post is really not going anywhere.  This is just what is on my mind.  My family rocks.

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I can’t think of a title for this one, so…..yeah.

I have so much to write about.  I don’t really know where to start.  I think most of all, I wanted to say thanks.

I’ve been so impressed with everyone that I’ve met or written to since join the MoHo blogosphere.  I don’t know if it is the mixture of peoples LDS upbringing and the fact that they understand what I’m going through, but I have never felt so well accepted and welcomed into a group of people.  It has been an incredible learning experience.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I felt really welcomed at the support group meeting I went to.  Since then, that feeling has only grown.  One guy who has been there for a few years has been really good about checking up on me just to see how I’m doing.  He came over on Sunday night just to talk and hang out.  I’m going to hang out with him and his wife tomorrow night.  I’m really excited to meet her and talk to her about how she handles all of this.  I’ve also been able to keep in touch with another one of the guys through facebook.  It’s been great to know that I have that support here.

As for the bloggers – thanks so much for reading and leaving comments.  You have no idea what this does for me.  Like I said before, I have never felt so welcomed so quickly into a group of people as I do now.  Your comments have helped me to think about what I have and how grateful I am for that.

That is really all I wanted to say.  I look forward to getting to know more of you.

PS – I don’t know how to fix the time on wordpress.  It keeps saying that I write things at really random times.  It is not 5:30 in the morning as I right this.  It is actually 11:00 at night.  I’m not quite sure how that happened, or how to fix it.  Oh well.

“I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful….”

Sometimes I wonder if I talk myself into believing things.  Do I really love my job, or do I just think I love my job because I’ve told myself and others that I do?  Kind of like ‘What about Bob?’.  He walks around telling himself “I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful”.  Do I feel good because I have finally shared my burden with someone else, or am I just telling myself I feel this way?  At the meeting we talked about how for the first few weeks of coming out to someone, you feel great about it and yourself.  It often consumes your thoughts, but in a good way.  You keep visualizing yourself overcoming your problem, and it feels good to do that.  After a while, reality sets in, and you realize that it is a hard road.

All my life, I’ve known that I was attracted to men.  This is a problem, because I’m a man, and I’m a mormon.  My parents tell me now that they used to worry about me being gay.  I hate hearing them say that.  I sometimes wonder if they still think I might be.  I don’t know.  I hope not.  Luckilly, I’m also attracted to women.  Thank goodness for that.

I remember being in denial about my attraction for a long time, even until very recently.  When I was 16, I came to the actual realization that I was attracted to men.  I knew it for a long time, but I hadn’t realized it until then.  I was still in a sort of denial about it.  When I was 19, I served a mission, and I’ve been home for a few years now.  Over the last few years, I’ve started to accept that I’m attracted to men.  I’ve been beating myself up about it and hating myself because of it.  I wasn’t able to feel the spirit very well because I didn’t love myself.

I spent a lot of time in the last few years finding out about LDS men with SGA (I think that sounds so funny….like it is some kind of disease), and I finally came to conclusion that I needed to attack this head on.  On Tuesday of this week, I went to a counselor to talk to them about this.  The only other person I had ever talked to was a bishop about a year ago.  It was good that I told him, but he wasn’t very much help.  He just said something like “If you really want to overcome this, you can.”  I know that is true, but I felt really lost and that little bit of advice wasn’t helpful.  Anyway, I talked to the counselor, and for the first time in my life, I was totally and completely honest with someone about my deepest secrets.  I told her everything.  It was so hard.  I was so nervous.  It was one of the best things I’ve ever done.  When I left, I wanted to tell everyone that I was gay!  Not because I wanted people to know, but because it felt so good to finally tell someone.

The counselor gave me the telephone number for a loca LDS Family services support group.  I was really nervous about talking to them, but I went to the meeting.  It was incredible.  I was nervous, but I felt so relieved to finally be able to talk to people like me.  They were men that were attracted to men, but they didn’t want to act on it.  They wanted to live the gospel.  It was amazing.

I’ve learned so much this week.  I feel so liberated.  I feel the love of my Heavenly Father again.  I feel comfortable being with people.  I don’t feel like I’m hiding anything anymore.  I know that if the Savior wants to take this burden from me, he will.  I’ve accepted that.  I carry a burden (that is now much lighter), but it is not who I am.  It is only a burden.