“I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful….”

Sometimes I wonder if I talk myself into believing things.  Do I really love my job, or do I just think I love my job because I’ve told myself and others that I do?  Kind of like ‘What about Bob?’.  He walks around telling himself “I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful”.  Do I feel good because I have finally shared my burden with someone else, or am I just telling myself I feel this way?  At the meeting we talked about how for the first few weeks of coming out to someone, you feel great about it and yourself.  It often consumes your thoughts, but in a good way.  You keep visualizing yourself overcoming your problem, and it feels good to do that.  After a while, reality sets in, and you realize that it is a hard road.

All my life, I’ve known that I was attracted to men.  This is a problem, because I’m a man, and I’m a mormon.  My parents tell me now that they used to worry about me being gay.  I hate hearing them say that.  I sometimes wonder if they still think I might be.  I don’t know.  I hope not.  Luckilly, I’m also attracted to women.  Thank goodness for that.

I remember being in denial about my attraction for a long time, even until very recently.  When I was 16, I came to the actual realization that I was attracted to men.  I knew it for a long time, but I hadn’t realized it until then.  I was still in a sort of denial about it.  When I was 19, I served a mission, and I’ve been home for a few years now.  Over the last few years, I’ve started to accept that I’m attracted to men.  I’ve been beating myself up about it and hating myself because of it.  I wasn’t able to feel the spirit very well because I didn’t love myself.

I spent a lot of time in the last few years finding out about LDS men with SGA (I think that sounds so funny….like it is some kind of disease), and I finally came to conclusion that I needed to attack this head on.  On Tuesday of this week, I went to a counselor to talk to them about this.  The only other person I had ever talked to was a bishop about a year ago.  It was good that I told him, but he wasn’t very much help.  He just said something like “If you really want to overcome this, you can.”  I know that is true, but I felt really lost and that little bit of advice wasn’t helpful.  Anyway, I talked to the counselor, and for the first time in my life, I was totally and completely honest with someone about my deepest secrets.  I told her everything.  It was so hard.  I was so nervous.  It was one of the best things I’ve ever done.  When I left, I wanted to tell everyone that I was gay!  Not because I wanted people to know, but because it felt so good to finally tell someone.

The counselor gave me the telephone number for a loca LDS Family services support group.  I was really nervous about talking to them, but I went to the meeting.  It was incredible.  I was nervous, but I felt so relieved to finally be able to talk to people like me.  They were men that were attracted to men, but they didn’t want to act on it.  They wanted to live the gospel.  It was amazing.

I’ve learned so much this week.  I feel so liberated.  I feel the love of my Heavenly Father again.  I feel comfortable being with people.  I don’t feel like I’m hiding anything anymore.  I know that if the Savior wants to take this burden from me, he will.  I’ve accepted that.  I carry a burden (that is now much lighter), but it is not who I am.  It is only a burden.

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7 Responses

  1. Hey thanks for sharing your recent experience. It is so refreshing to hear what you have found. Namely that you only carry a burden and that it isn’t who you are. Thanks again for your message!

  2. Welcome! I could have written a lot of your post myself and know exactly how you feel in lots of ways. Funny coincidence: just before I sat down to read your blog I was doing some rehearsal prep with Handel’s Messiah, and guess which section I was reviewing? That’s right, “His Yoke Is Easy and His Burden is Light”. LOL. But it is true. Keep the posts coming.

  3. It’s always great to come across a new blog and a new voice. We all have different experiences and different views, and I enjoy learning from every one of the 90 (I just counted) “MoHo” blogs in my feed reader.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences! I look forward to learning more from you.

  4. Congratulations on starting your blog. I look forward to getting to know you better and sharing our journeys. I appreciate your perspective and faith.

  5. Hey Hidden,

    Totally awesome that you’re sharing. Very very cool. I see the names of the guys that have already commented and they’re all really really great guys. You’ve got no idea (maybe you do) how thrilled I am that you’re posting. I really love your thoughts and your style. Good blogs are so helpful as are good bloggers. Thank you for sharing your comments on my posts…you’ll soon fully understand (you might already) how very strengthening it is to get positive feedback. I’m so glad you’re here.

    “I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful…” Well, if you’re experiencing good, great, and wonderful…who cares why? Just keep it going. As long as you’re not dilusional, feeling that way because you helped yourself to believe that you feel that way is totally fine. To be ok with yourself…to love yourself as you’re supposed to…I think you have to do the things that your heart tells you are right-live true to your heart, AND you have to learn that being imperfect and having flaws is ok…learn to be happy with yourself where you’re at while you’re still mid-journey. I have to remind myself of that stuff often…then I have to work to live true to what I know is right… (the second one is harder) Ha ha.

    Anyways, I’m glad you’re here. Love yourself man, we will. Ciao.

  6. @ Danish Boy
    Thanks for the comment. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog so far.

    @ Alan
    That is awesome about the Messiah thing. That made me laugh a little bit. It has been interesting to read other peoples accounts about their “coming out to people” experiences. It is interesting to see peoples different reactions. Most people say that it is extremely liberating. Others begin to feel more pressure. It’s been interesting to see these similarities. It’s also been interesting to read ahead on their experiences afterwords so that I know what kind of things I can look forward to.

    @ Scott
    I’ve really appreciated your blog. You and Robert are the two people that inspired me to make a blog. I find your blog particularly interesting. There are quite a few blogs that I’ve found that talk about married gay men (that is, in a hetero relationship). Either they were married and then came out, or their wives new beforehand. The reason this interests me is because I actually have a missionary. She comes home in less than six months. We’ve dated for almost 5 years now. Anyway, reading your blog and your wifes blog has helped me to have the courage to tell her before we get married.

    @ Bravone
    Thanks for your comment as well. I also look forward to getting to know you better and reading more of your posts. Keep ’em coming!

    @ Robert
    I’m going to run the risk of sounding like a stalker…..I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I connect with you the most. Maybe it is because of how real and optimistic your blog is. It may be because we have similar interests and experiences, or that I like your writing style as well (it is interesting that we both picked up on that). Anyway, I just wanted to say that I appreciate your blog probably more than any of the other blogs I’ve read. Thanks!

  7. “This is a problem, because I’m a man, and I’m a mormon. My parents tell me now that they used to worry about me being gay. I hate hearing them say that.”
    When I read this I had to laugh because my parents kept asking me the same thing. Hey I know how you feel. I think it took you a lot of courage to tell me. I appreciate that.

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