Coming to a city near you!…..Salt Lake, that is

Hey guys,
I just wanted to let you know that I’m planning on going to Salt Lake for a few days this week. Here is my plan as of now:

Sunday: Drive down and hang out with my married friends in Taylorsville. That evening, I plan on going to Temple Square with Andy (at least that is the plan for now). If you want to come, please do! The more, the merrier! Afterwards….I don’t know yet.

Monday: No plans. Any ideas? I might hang out with my sister and her husband for a while. Monday is really just open for me.

Tuesday: Open all morning and afternoon. I have a party I’m going to at about 6 that night, and that will take all night.

Wednesday, pack up, go home, and go to work. Sorry, I won’t be able to attend any New Year parties.

If you want to do anything, let me know! I’m open for ideas! Hopefully I’ll see some you soon!

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Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

All this snow has been reminding me of a poem I love.  I don’t actually even like snow that much.  I think it is beautiful for while it is snowing for the first time, but only if it snows a lot.  After a few days, I get pretty sick of it and want it to melt until next year.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t do that.  Especially where I live.

Robert Frost is one of my favorite poets.  I think his poetry is so beautiful.  I love the outdoors, so his stuff really speaks to me.  One of my favorite poems of his is Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening.  This comes into a tie with his poem Mending Wall.  I love both of them a lot.

I’m going to admit some really nerdy things about myself in the next 2 paragraphs.

I used to be an English Education Major.  I loved it.  The only reason I’m not right now is because I feel like it isn’t right.  I love to read.  I used to worry a lot about correct word usage.  I don’t care so much about it anymore.  When I was in High School, I stayed up until 3 in the morning reading the Appendix to my English 1010 book, which was the section about correct word usage.  It was one of the most intriguing things I’ve ever read in my life.  Yes, I know that I’m a nerd.

I have a habbit of memorizing things that I really like.  Because I love Stopping By Woods so much, I memorized it when I was 16.  Every year, I go into my parents big yard while it snows and recite the poem.  That is super nerdy, I know.  There is just something about the way that poem makes me feel.  I think it is so serene and beautiful.  Being in a wood that is filling up with snow while reciting a poem about a wood filling up with snow is amazing.  At least to an ex-English Major it is.

So, here is the poem.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

This doesn’t have really any deep significance to me.  It is just something beautiful to me.

Another thing that makes me think of this poem and also snowfall is a song by Phillip Aaberg called The Gift.  I tried to find a way to put a link on here, but I couldn’t.  If I find anything, I’ll let you know.

My Thoughts, Part III: Not Quite So Queer?

This post is probably not going to be that interesting, but I said I’d write about it.

I don’t know how gay I am.  I “came out” a month ago, and after that, I started to wonder how gay I really am.  Before admitting to having SGA,  I thought I was about 50/50, but now I don’t know. Right after I “came out”, I thought that maybe it was around 70/30  (70% for girls, 30% for guys) because I wasn’t noticing guys very much.  I think now that it is because I’m finally admitting that I’m into guys and I have more control over myself.

As I’ve written already, I have a missionary.  We started dating in High School and for a while between my mission and hers.  Without beating around the bush too much, she is really the only girl that can get me excited.  I find a lot of girls attractive, but not in a sexual way.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all about sex when it comes to my missionary.  It is just that she is the only girl I know that can stir intimate feelings within me.  Other girls are very attractive, but they don’t do anything for me.  I’ve known this for a while, but only noticed it a lot lately.  In the last few weeks, I’ve held hands with girls, cuddled with girls, and had girls sit on my lap.  Nothing.  At all.  Not even a thought went through my head.  It was all done in joking, but what “normal” guy wouldn’t get excited by a girl sitting on his lap?    This has made me wonder if I’m a lot more gay than I thought I was.  I don’t think I’m 100% gay, but I think it might be more that 50/50 now.  I don’t know.  I know, this is a stupid, trivial thing to wonder about, but I do.

My Thoughts, Part II: It’s not you, it’s me.

I already have an answer to my question, but it is something that I still think about and want to blog about.  My question is about my Evergreen International group.

Don’t get me wrong,  I really enjoy the group.  All of the guys are really great.  Without the group, I wouldn’t have met so many guys with this struggle that are so supportive.  I would still be feeling very alone.  I wouldn’t have realized things about myself that are making a difference in the way a perceive things now.  In the month I’ve been attending the group, I have learned a lot.

Last week was the first time that the thought entered my mind that maybe it isn’t for me.  It isn’t anything about the group at all.  I love it and completely support it and the guys there.  I just don’t know if it is the right thing for me.

The thing that made me start thinking about this was that someone brought up the purpose of the group, which is to diminish feelings of same gender attraction.  They mentioned that if you aren’t willing to work on overcoming those feelings, you might as well not attend.  That sounds a bit extreme, but it is a good point.  If you are there just for company and you don’t really care very much about overcoming your attraction, why go?

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have this attraction not be a part of my life anymore.  It is possible that they will leave eventually.  Evergreen will be helpful with that.  However, there is an even greater possibility that I will always have these feelings.  I’ve accepted that, and I’m ok with it.  If I marry, I marry.  If I don’t, I don’t.  I’m fine with either one.  I know that it will be hard either way, but that is life.  So, because I’m ok with where I’m at – because I’m okay with living with SGA (even though I would love to not have it be there) – should I stop attending group?

No.

They made a good point, but I think they are incorrect.  At least, I think they are only partially right.  It is true that if someone doesn’t care to progress, they might be wasting their time there.  But why should that stop them from going?  Maybe these meeting will eventually get me to the point where I’m not okay with these feelings and I will try hard to overcome them.  For now though, I will keep going.  I want to be there, even if it is just to offer support.

My Thoughts, Part I

I’ve had so many thoughts lately that I’ve wanted to blog about, but alas, finals took over my life.  Now that I’m done with finals, I have so many thoughts running through my head that I don’t know where to start.

So…..where to start?  I think I will write the things that have been on my mind, and then we’ll see where things go from there.  Things that have been on my mind:

– How will I tell my missionary? (Yes, a girl) How will it turn out?

– Is Evergreen’s support group really the thing for me?

– How gay am I?

There were a few other things that have been on my mind, but they mostly revolve around these things.

Yes, I am waiting for a missionary.  I’ve been afraid to talk about her to much because I’m afraid it will give away too much information about me and people will figure out who I am.  I know it is not likely, but I’m paranoid like that.  I’ll just say this, she waited for me, we talked about getting married, and now I’m waiting for her.  I love her so much and I want to marry her.  She comes home soon (like less than six months soon).  I already think I don’t deserve her.  If you’ve ever heard the song “Out of my League” by Stephen Speaks (or TJ McCloud), you’ll understand how I feel.  She says the same thing about me, though.  If only she knew.

I’ve decided that I would tell her about my Same Gender Attraction before we get married.  I’ll have to explain to her that intimacy may be difficult, but I’ll do my best.  She has such an amazing testimony of the Atonement and the gospel.  I have no doubts that she will lovingly accept me and my struggle.  The thing that is hard is accepting that this could very well put us on a “good friends” or “best friends” level, and not a “person I want to marry” level.  I don’t want that.  I’m afraid that if we don’t get married, I’ll never marry.  I love her so much more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.  I don’t think that anyone could ever take her place.  Maybe there is somone else out there, but so far I haven’t met anyone that even comes close.

I think this post is already long enough.  I personally don’t like to read really long ones that ramble on and on like this one was going to do.  Soon I’ll write about Evergreen and how gay I might be.  Until then….happy trails to you. 🙂

I Did It

Wow!  I did it!  I got up the courage to tell someone that I know that I’m attracted to guys.  It was intense and scary and everything else I thought it would be.  It was amazing.

While my buddies and I were driving home from the Matis Fireside, we were talking about how So Many Stars had told his friend N. that he was attracted to guys.  This got me thinking about who I would tell, if I tell anyone.  I know I definitely want to tell my parents at some point.  I’m going to tell the girl I want to marry before we get married.  I’m still trying to decide how open I want to be about all of this.  I’ve read a few blogs lately that have talked about telling a lot of people (even announcing it in sacrament meeting) so that people will be more understanding.  I agree.  I’m scared though.

Anyway, the rest of the story.  As So Many Stars was telling us his story, I started thinking about who I would tell.  I had been thinking of this for a long time now, even before I “came out” to a counselor or anyone else.  I had decided that the first person I would tell would be my friend C.

C. and I have been really good friends for such a long time.  Our relationship is very much a “brother-sister” relationship.  She recently returned home from a mission early because of depression.  A few weeks after she got home, she was admitted to the psychiatric ward in a hospital.  Her depression was much worse than many people had imagined.  A few days before she was admitted, she told me that she had severe depression and that she had been cutting.  It was hard for me to hear this because I didn’t expect it.  Aside from her parents, I was the only person who knew.  She wanted to tell me because she knew I’d be understanding.  I knew that it wasn’t her choice, and my respect for her grew so much because she was trying to overcome her burden.  I so badly wanted to tell her about my SGA at that time, but I hadn’t even come to terms with it myself.

Because she had trusted me with this secret, I knew I could trust her with mine.  She would be the first to know.  I texted her on Saturday night, and told her I needed to tell her something really important.  She was with her fiance, so I couldn’t talk to her face-to-face, but I decided to tell her anyway.  I told her I would give her a heads up, and then we would go to lunch on Monday to talk about it.  Then I did it.  I sent the text.  “I’m not just attracted to girl.  I’ll let you figure out the rest.”  One minute.  Two minutes.  Three minutes.  It was going so long.  Finally, she texted me back.  She told me how much she loved me and respected me.  She told me that she didn’t know how I have kept this held in for so long, and that she was here for me.  It felt so good.  I wanted to cry.  She asked me a few questions.  These were the usual “Have you acted on it?”, “How long have you known?” questions.

We went to lunch yesterday, and she was so great and understanding.  We talked about her depression and how it was so similar to my SGA.  These are both things that some people are very understanding about, but some people are not.  They think it is a choice.  You can just “snap out” of depression.  Homosexuality is the trend now, and it is a choice.

She reassured me that Heavenly Father loved me so much.  He knew that this is something I could handle.  We talked about how my friends are exactly the kind of friends I need.  My friends are the most understanding and realistic people I know outside of the MoHo community.  If I didn’t have them, things would be very different right now.  She also told me that she was surprised.  I’m glad that it isn’t something that she had known for a long time.

I’m so glad that I have such amazing friends.  Thanks, C.!  I hope you know how much I love you!

Introducing……

So Many Stars!”  This is one of my new friends that I’ve met through my group.  I’ve mentioned him a few times, and some of you may have met him at the Matis Fireside.  Anyway, he has been so incredibly helpful to me.  We were talking recently about MoHo bloggers and how I’ve really appreciated everyone I’ve met through it.  I told him that I had a blog, to which he responded that he did as well.  He’s been keeping it up since October.

In his first post, he explains why he decided to name his blog “So Many Stars”.  He says:

“So Many Stars” is one of my all-time favorite songs by Sergio Mendes and Alan & Marilyn Bergman. Some of the lyrics have special meaning for me as I work through this challenge I have–
“The dawn is filled with dreams,
So many dreams,
Which one is mine?
One must be right for me.
Which dream of all the dreams,
When there’s a dream for every star?…
Which one to choose?
Which way to go?
How can I tell?
How would I know?
Out of oh, so many stars,
So many stars.”
I thought those lyrics were really cool, so I thought I’d share them here.  Anyway, go check it out!