Not So Good

I’m struggling today.  Not terribly bad, but I am struggling.  Things have been going so well for me for the last few weeks.  I’ve been very accepting of myself and my situation.  I’ve felt really great about everything.  Unforunately, that doesn’t always last.

I had a dream last night that really threw me off.  It wasn’t anything too graphic or anything like that.  It was just a reminder that I really am attracted to guys.  I woke up frustrated and wanting to do something about my dream. I haven’t done anything yet.  I can’t keep myself from checking out guys.  I know that if I act on this the way that I want to, I’ll only feel regret.  The only thing keeping me from doing anything is thinking about how great I’ve felt the last few weeks.  I want to keep this feeling.

SGA Sucks.

On an unrelated note, I decided to go to the fireside.  Let me know if you’ll be there so that I can meet you!

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8 Responses

  1. Sorry the morning is not going so well. Don’t feel bad about the dream, sometimes our brains are just trying to sort things out. I commend you for not responding the way you feel inclined to do. SSA does suck sometimes. Whenever I get too down about my a lady in my ward that is incapacitated with MS. I would much rather struggle with SGA than MS. I’ll send a prayer your way.

    My wife and I are coming to the fireside. I hope to see you there.

    Bravone

  2. I don’t know how to say this without it sounding bad, but I enjoy those kinds of dreams.

    I can’t control my dreams, so I’ve learned not to allow myself to feel guilty or ashamed for their content. Abandoning the shame has made it much easier to refrain from dwelling on the dream or holding on to it all day [feelings of guilt and shame force us to relive the thing we’re ashamed about over and over again. Get rid of the shame, and we can give up the memories much more easily].

    So when I wake from a dream I just appreciate the opportunity that my subconscious mind has given me to vicariously experience something that I won’t experience in real life, then I go back to sleep.

    (If you read my post from last night you know that it’s not always quite that simple–the physical/sexual dreams are easy to dismiss and be done with, but the emotional and tactile/emotional ones I find a bit harder to recover from. In general, though, the principle is sound, I think.)

    I try to take the same approach in waking life. I don’t kick myself for admiring a hot guy or staring at a cute face. I try to avoid feeling guilt and shame when thoughts pop into my head uninvited. I allow myself to appreciate the beauty that so many men possess and by avoiding guilt and shame (and their tendency to focus my thoughts on their source) I’m able to appreciate that beauty without sexualizing it.

    I hate that being gay makes it more difficult for me to give my wife as much physical attention as she deserves, but apart from that I love it because it’s a part of who I am. I’ve never been happier or more confident than I have since accepting that fact.

    Sarah and I will be at the fireside too. My photo is on my Blogger profile–be sure to look for us and introduce yourself!

  3. Life’s like that. Back in the Middle Ages, the “wheel of fortune” (origin of the game show) was a well-known motif in literature and art, for a good reason. It symbolizes how everyone’s life has ups and downs, good times and bad. This hasn’t changed. When you feel bad like today, remember the good times and trust they’ll return. When you feel good, savor it and be glad you can draw strength from it in the not-so-good days you know will come again. Hang on through it all.

  4. don’t dwell on it! (i’ll be at the fhe tomorrow)

  5. I understand the struggle man…oh do I understand it. I’ll be at the fireside as well and would really like to meet you. Shoot me an email if you want and we can work out hot to meet each other.

  6. @ bravone
    Thanks for your comment. “Whenever I get too down [I think] about a lady in my ward that is incapacitated with MS. I would much rather struggle with SGA than MS.” That reminds me of a question one of my seminary teachers asked me: “You’ve heard about the man who cried and cried because he didn’t have any shoes until he met the man who didn’t have any feet?” Yeah, I struggle with SGA, but it really isn’t bad at all. Thanks for reminding me of that and for keeping me in your prayers. That helped a lot. I’m feeling much better. I’m excited to meet you tonight.

    @ Scott
    Thank you so much for your comment. It made me put things into a more positive perspective. I wanted to copy and past a lot of things you said and then make comments on them, but then I realized I wanted to copy and paste the whole thing. Really though, this made me think a lot. I will never get to experience these things I’m dreaming about, so I guess I should consider it a blessing that I do get to experience it so vividly every once in a while, and it is out of my control so I don’t need to feel guilty about it. I’m very excited to meet you and your wife tonight. I saw your pics on facebook, so I know what you look like. Hopefully you’ll be able to introduce me to some of the other bloggers I’ve become familiar with.

    @ Alan
    Thanks for reminding me about the wheel of fortune motif. I should have expected the ups and the downs. It’s been like that my whole life. Telling a few people about my SGA isn’t going to make life magically easier. It is less of a burden, but it’s still there. Thanks for reminding me to do what I am usually able to do: be realistic.

    @ October Rising
    Thanks. Hopefully I’ll meet you tonight.

    @ Alan
    I commented twice on your last post. If you need more info or whatever, tell me your email address in a comment, and then I’ll delete it. Thanks dude!

  7. So great to meet you tonight. Thanks for being there!

    Bravone

  8. I totally can relate to feeling guilty about the dreams I had. Then I realized that I wasn’t directing the dreams, or on the script writing or anything else. Now I enjoy them 🙂 Like the one last night (wink wink)

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