My Thoughts, Part I

I’ve had so many thoughts lately that I’ve wanted to blog about, but alas, finals took over my life.  Now that I’m done with finals, I have so many thoughts running through my head that I don’t know where to start.

So…..where to start?  I think I will write the things that have been on my mind, and then we’ll see where things go from there.  Things that have been on my mind:

– How will I tell my missionary? (Yes, a girl) How will it turn out?

– Is Evergreen’s support group really the thing for me?

– How gay am I?

There were a few other things that have been on my mind, but they mostly revolve around these things.

Yes, I am waiting for a missionary.  I’ve been afraid to talk about her to much because I’m afraid it will give away too much information about me and people will figure out who I am.  I know it is not likely, but I’m paranoid like that.  I’ll just say this, she waited for me, we talked about getting married, and now I’m waiting for her.  I love her so much and I want to marry her.  She comes home soon (like less than six months soon).  I already think I don’t deserve her.  If you’ve ever heard the song “Out of my League” by Stephen Speaks (or TJ McCloud), you’ll understand how I feel.  She says the same thing about me, though.  If only she knew.

I’ve decided that I would tell her about my Same Gender Attraction before we get married.  I’ll have to explain to her that intimacy may be difficult, but I’ll do my best.  She has such an amazing testimony of the Atonement and the gospel.  I have no doubts that she will lovingly accept me and my struggle.  The thing that is hard is accepting that this could very well put us on a “good friends” or “best friends” level, and not a “person I want to marry” level.  I don’t want that.  I’m afraid that if we don’t get married, I’ll never marry.  I love her so much more than I’ve ever loved anyone before.  I don’t think that anyone could ever take her place.  Maybe there is somone else out there, but so far I haven’t met anyone that even comes close.

I think this post is already long enough.  I personally don’t like to read really long ones that ramble on and on like this one was going to do.  Soon I’ll write about Evergreen and how gay I might be.  Until then….happy trails to you. 🙂

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4 Responses

  1. Hey man…thanks for writing your thoughts. I’m sure others can agree that it’s easy to understand and relate with your feelings above. I don’t blame you for not wanting the future to change. One thing I know for sure man is that you’re amazing person. You’re strong testimony of the gospel is evident in many ways and I have no doubt that regardless of what the outcome is it will be right. It may not be the best or the preferred outcome but it will be right. I’ve been reading a new book lately and I plan on blogging about it some later today but it’s helped me to have a stronger testimony regarding the fact that as much as we try, we’re really not in control 100%. For me, personally, I’m glad because I need divine assistance quite often. Good luck with things and I look forward to reading more. Thanks man!

  2. Scott and I had the following conversation through facebook messaging. He gave me permission to post it here.

    – Scott: Hey! I just wanted to share some thoughts I had when I read your most recent blog post (thoughts part i). I hope I’m not out of line (and if you want me to keep my thoughts to myself just let me know and you won’t hear from me again).

    I appreciate that you want to get married, and I can definitely empathize with the idea of “if we don’t get married, I’ll never marry”. (I think that it was that thought–on a subconscious level–that led me to more-or-less propose to Sarah with several months left in my mission). I just want to strongly encourage you to take things /very/ slowly and make sure that both of you know what you’re getting into before you tie the knot.

    Sarah and I have been extremely lucky to have been able to work things out so far–almost all marriage in which the husband comes out to the wife after they get married fail. The thing is, there are so few cases of a couple getting married knowing that the husband is gay beforehand that it’s hard to say what percentage of those marriages don’t make it. I’ve known at least a couple that are falling apart as we speak. I know a couple that have made it a year or two or three.

    I’m certainly not trying to talk you out of getting married–if you and your girlfriend are convinced after you’ve explained everything to her and you’ve both examined all of the potential ramifications and snags that you can make it work, I’ll be happy for you. But I would hate to see you get married not understanding how hard it would be and then not be able to make it work after a few years–especially if kids had entered the picture at that point.

    You probably already know all this and have figured it all out and I’m not telling you anything new. Again, I apologize if I’ve overstepped my bounds, and I won’t be offended if you tell me to mind my own business. I just want to help you choose the path that’s best for you.

    Your friend,
    Scott

    – Me: Hey Scott, I actually really appreciate this message. I was looking forward to hearing from you the most. I have anticipated a few things that may happen if we marry. I don’t know how things will happen. Something I plan on writing about in the next few days is that I don’t really know how gay I am. I thought I was 50/50, but now I’m not so sure. I know that if I am truly 50/50, things will be hard, but not as bad as if I’m 100%. Anyway, I’ll write about that later.
    I’m glad that you sent this message. You made some really great points to make me think. I happily welcome any suggestions as I am so new to all of this and inexperienced. Next time we are face to face, I’ll want to talk to you more about living as a married gay man. Also, when I tell my missionary about my SGA, I’ll definitely want her to meet you and Sarah. We’ll definitely want to talk to you about how you guys have made things work (that is, if it’s not too personal).
    Thank you so much for your message. I would like to post it on my blog if that is ok with you. Let me know if there is anything you want me to take out if you’re okay with me posting it.

    – Me, again: One more thing I just thought about.

    “The thing is, there are so few cases of a couple getting married knowing that the husband is gay beforehand that it’s hard to say what percentage of those marriages don’t make it. I’ve known at least a couple that are falling apart as we speak. I know a couple that have made it a year or two or three.

    I’m certainly not trying to talk you out of getting married–if you and your girlfriend are convinced after you’ve explained everything to her and you’ve both examined all of the potential ramifications and snags that you can make it work, I’ll be happy for you. But I would hate to see you get married not understanding how hard it would be and then not be able to make it work after a few years–especially if kids had entered the picture at that point.”

    I’ve thought about that a lot. I really have no idea how things will work out with us being married. I’m so scared that a few years into the marriage (or even 20 years into the marriage) I’ll feel that she deserved better or vice-versa. I don’t ever plan to act on my feelings, but I know marriage can be hard, SGA will only make it harder. I really don’t want to hurt her, and I want the very best for her. I’ll do anything to make her happy. Anyway, I just felt like telling you all that. I’m not sure where I was going with it. Thanks again though!

    – Scott: I’m totally fine with posting my message on your blog–I’ll do it myself as a comment on your post if you want.

    I’m happy to talk any time about marriage, homosexuality, or anything else, really. Feel free to email me, message me or whatever. Sarah and I would be more than happy to visit with you and your girlfriend any time as well. I don’t think that there’s much (maybe not anything at all) that we would consider too personal to talk about.

    I don’t know if you’ve read about the party we’re having on New Year’s Eve, but we’d love to see you here if you’re going to be around.

    Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you!

  3. Hidden, I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve my wife and can appreciate that you might feel that you don’t deserve her. However, when I really am honest with myself, I realize that I am a good husband and father. She is magnificent, and I am so grateful that we have a strong relationship in spite of the fact that 23 years into our marriage we both come to grips with my sexuality. I am a Lucky Man. My point however is that often we are quick to discount our worth. Don’t do it.

    Every marriage is hard. Many heteros get well into their marriages and realize they want something different. Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you from trying. My life is so full because of my family. I cannot imagine not having them. I asked my wife if, knowing what she knows now, would she have married me. Keep in mind that I have hurt her and been unfaithful when acting on my sga. She did not hesitate to say “absolutely.”

    Is our marriage perfect? No. Is it good? Yes. Is our intimate life like most hetero’s? Not always(maybe usually). Is it still satisfying to each of us? Yes.

    I totally agree with full disclosure, whether you know ahead of time or later in marriage. Communication is the key. I cannot speak for Scott and Sarah, but from what I can tell, their open communication has made their marriage work. It certainly has ours.

  4. I love Out of My League. Occasionally I will try to substitute she to he, but it never meshes well with the song lol.

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