My Thoughts, Part III: Not Quite So Queer?

This post is probably not going to be that interesting, but I said I’d write about it.

I don’t know how gay I am.  I “came out” a month ago, and after that, I started to wonder how gay I really am.  Before admitting to having SGA,  I thought I was about 50/50, but now I don’t know. Right after I “came out”, I thought that maybe it was around 70/30  (70% for girls, 30% for guys) because I wasn’t noticing guys very much.  I think now that it is because I’m finally admitting that I’m into guys and I have more control over myself.

As I’ve written already, I have a missionary.  We started dating in High School and for a while between my mission and hers.  Without beating around the bush too much, she is really the only girl that can get me excited.  I find a lot of girls attractive, but not in a sexual way.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all about sex when it comes to my missionary.  It is just that she is the only girl I know that can stir intimate feelings within me.  Other girls are very attractive, but they don’t do anything for me.  I’ve known this for a while, but only noticed it a lot lately.  In the last few weeks, I’ve held hands with girls, cuddled with girls, and had girls sit on my lap.  Nothing.  At all.  Not even a thought went through my head.  It was all done in joking, but what “normal” guy wouldn’t get excited by a girl sitting on his lap?    This has made me wonder if I’m a lot more gay than I thought I was.  I don’t think I’m 100% gay, but I think it might be more that 50/50 now.  I don’t know.  I know, this is a stupid, trivial thing to wonder about, but I do.


7 Responses

  1. 🙂 I loved this post. I read it earlier on my phone but couldn’t post a comment to it. I love how honest of a person you are. Thanks man.

  2. Far from stupid or trivial. It goes to the nature of this “core characteristic.” You’re trying to figure out who you really are and what you really want for the rest of your life. Hardly a trivial matter. And from what I’ve seen, you are far from the only guy who has gone through this very same process and thought these very same things. Whatever direction this leads in, just be honest with yourself.

  3. Ok, I’m going to put all my comments for all three “my thoughts” posts. First, you’re awesome Hidden. Love you.

    How gay are you? I dunno. But, if your missionary can get you excited, then ROCK ON!!! Wow, rock on.

    Stay in evergreen or not? Man, I dunno. I think that when I move away from UT, I’m going to go back into the closet – or at least not tell anyone new. It’ll be totally different than it has ever been. I know so much more than I did before that things’ll never never be the same as they were before, but I think that I’ll like just being normal again and at the same time, honest with myself. That’d be a new experience. I was normal before, but dishonest with myself. I’m not normal now, but I’m honest with myself now. Normal and honest? I think I’ll try it. In the closet but honest with myself. That’s my next step. Should you continue to be active in the moho communities? Think about it. For me, I think that I might have dove in a little too deep. There were parts of being in the community that were lifesaving, but I think I took up my involvement in the moho community at the sacrifice of the rest of life. Just thoughts.

    Worry about your missionary? Don’t worry. It was the best decision I’ve made in the last year to tell Hillary. Her and I were engaged to be married this last summer and we broke it off last fall. Now, we are closer and more understanding of each other than we’ve ever been. Really, there’s nothing about me that she doesn’t understand and there’s nothing about her that I don’t understand. I love her more than I ever have and I know that she truly loves me cause I know that she knows me better than my own mother. You need that. You need to know that she knows you for real and then you will know that when she says that she loves you, she loves the real you – all of you. How to tell her? Don’t make that decision without a lot of thought.

    So, lots of comments. Love you man. Do keep us updated. Thank you for writing. Stick around for a long time..please. Thanks hidden.

  4. Hidden,

    I love Robert’s comments, partly I am sure because I love Robert and know the goodness of his soul. His words are sincere and he speaks from his heart.

    I don’t think I would get too hung up on ‘how gay you are.’ I think there is a continuum of sexuality and we are all different. It makes sense to me that you could be more by one whom you love than from another. I think “we” fall in love differently than most straight people. We often fall in love emotionally, socially and intellectually first. The physical then can follow over time.

    Stay close to the spirit and you will know how to broach the subject with her and when.

    Take care my friend,

  5. @ Andy
    Man, it feels like it has been a while since we’ve texted or anything. Anyway, I still think you are way too complimentary of me. I really appreciate it though. I really try to be open and honest and real. If you can really sense that, then I feel great. Thanks! You rock dude! You always have a way of making me feel appreciated.

    @ Alan,
    Thanks for helping me to realize that this isn’t trivial or stupid. You said “Whatever direction this leads in, just be honest with yourself.” I think the whole reason I wrote this post is because I needed to be honest with myself. Thanks.

    @ Robert
    Dude, I freaking love you! You’re comments are so real and honest and sincere. I know that whatever you have to say is not just something you’re pulling out of your butt. I can tell that you think about what you say, and I love that. On top of that, you always give me a lot to think about. I think your comments help me to look at myself from the outside. That helps so much.

    @ Bravone
    You made some really good, interesting points. I totally agree that “we” fall in love in a different way than most straight people do. While I think that my missionary is so incredibly beautiful, that is not the first thing I fell in love with. In fact, it took me a while to realize how beautiful she is. Thanks for your input and advice. I’ll be sure to talk to you and your wife when I tell her about all of this. Thanks!

  6. I don’t know how gay I am.

    Try taking The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid quiz.

  7. @ Abelard,
    I took the Klein Scale quiz and the Kinsey Scale quiz. I scored 2.7 on Klein and 3.2 on Kinsey making me bisexual with hetero tendencies. Interesting.

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