Sufjan and Pittsfield

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I love Sufjan Stevens, and by that I mean that I have a serious man crush on him.  He might be gay, he might not.  He has never said if he is, but some of his song lyrics lead me to think he is at least curious.  That makes him even hotter.  His music is experimental and his lyrics are very real.  I think that is what I like about him the most.  I highly recommend him to anyone.

So….getting to the point of this post.  He wrote a song by the name of Pittsfield.  Sufjan was raised in a home with what he thinks was a neglectful mother.  He has a few songs about his feelings on that.  Pittsfield is one of them.  In this song, he describes how he and his sister took care of themselves and at school he was always getting into trouble because he didn’t really know how to behave.  His mom gave him a babysitter which was a TV.  He learned how to say no to his mother from television.  He can’t remember the last time his mom told him she loved him, and she would tell him that he was of no worth; that he was lazy and tired.  All she did was work.  These are a few of the things he mentions.

The part of this song that I LOVE is the end.  The last words are “I’m not afraid of you anymore”.  The music gets scratchy and annoying.  It sounds like chaotic insanity.  It builds and build to the point that you don’t think you can handle it anymore, and then it releases into a few simple chords played on the piano, symbolizing his release from his mothers neglect.  He is free.

I highly recommend listening to the whole song, but if you want to hear just the last part, play the video at about 5:00 to the end.

This is how I have felt lately.  I “came out” in November.  Since then, homosexuality consumed my life.  I thought about it constantly.  I wasn’t thinking anything like “Man, I want to do that guy”, but more along the lines of “Wow, it is so cool that I have finally accepted that I’m gay”.  And I thought about it.  And thought about it.  And thought about it.  And I got tired of it, but by the time I realized what was happening to me, I was in so deep that I didn’t know how to get out. I began to pull away from some of my closest friends I’ve made that know about and/or experience SGA.  It makes me a little sad that I did that, but I think it was for the best.  I’m not doing away with you, just trying to get my life into order.  My missionary coming home is really what has brought my life into a wonderful balance.  I love being around her and feeling like I am in control of my life again.  I feel that release at the end of the song, and it is beautiful.

Just like  Sufjan 🙂

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Here she comes….

Wow.  Holy Crap.  I can’t believe it.  She comes home.  Tomorrow.  Yep.  Tomorrow.

I’m excited and nervous and sick, but the sick part has nothing to do with her.  I’m afraid I’ll see her and be so excited that I’ll pass out and vomit.

Not really, though.  That last part was a joke.

Really though, I’m so excited about everything that will be happening in the next few months.  I woke up feeling different today.  I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling, but it is good.

I Love Her.

Blog Art

I found this website that lets you make artwork using information from your blog.  Very cool.  It might take a second to load, but here is mine.