Sufjan and Pittsfield

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I love Sufjan Stevens, and by that I mean that I have a serious man crush on him.  He might be gay, he might not.  He has never said if he is, but some of his song lyrics lead me to think he is at least curious.  That makes him even hotter.  His music is experimental and his lyrics are very real.  I think that is what I like about him the most.  I highly recommend him to anyone.

So….getting to the point of this post.  He wrote a song by the name of Pittsfield.  Sufjan was raised in a home with what he thinks was a neglectful mother.  He has a few songs about his feelings on that.  Pittsfield is one of them.  In this song, he describes how he and his sister took care of themselves and at school he was always getting into trouble because he didn’t really know how to behave.  His mom gave him a babysitter which was a TV.  He learned how to say no to his mother from television.  He can’t remember the last time his mom told him she loved him, and she would tell him that he was of no worth; that he was lazy and tired.  All she did was work.  These are a few of the things he mentions.

The part of this song that I LOVE is the end.  The last words are “I’m not afraid of you anymore”.  The music gets scratchy and annoying.  It sounds like chaotic insanity.  It builds and build to the point that you don’t think you can handle it anymore, and then it releases into a few simple chords played on the piano, symbolizing his release from his mothers neglect.  He is free.

I highly recommend listening to the whole song, but if you want to hear just the last part, play the video at about 5:00 to the end.

This is how I have felt lately.  I “came out” in November.  Since then, homosexuality consumed my life.  I thought about it constantly.  I wasn’t thinking anything like “Man, I want to do that guy”, but more along the lines of “Wow, it is so cool that I have finally accepted that I’m gay”.  And I thought about it.  And thought about it.  And thought about it.  And I got tired of it, but by the time I realized what was happening to me, I was in so deep that I didn’t know how to get out. I began to pull away from some of my closest friends I’ve made that know about and/or experience SGA.  It makes me a little sad that I did that, but I think it was for the best.  I’m not doing away with you, just trying to get my life into order.  My missionary coming home is really what has brought my life into a wonderful balance.  I love being around her and feeling like I am in control of my life again.  I feel that release at the end of the song, and it is beautiful.

Just like  Sufjan 🙂

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4 Responses

  1. I’m glad that you’re finding balance!

    I’m still rather “consumed”… but I’m deciding that the MoHo world is my “life”–that it is where I belong, and so it is my beautiful release.

    Each of us will find that balance in a different place, and each of us needs to find it on our own.

    (and I like Sufjan too!) 🙂

  2. @ Scott

    Thanks for reminding me that what is right for me isn’t what is right for everyone. Sometimes I think negatively of other MoHo’s because of how much it seems to be a part of their life, but we all have to do what is right for us individually. Thanks!

  3. I know how important balance is in my life. When I saw you at the Logan fireside, you seemed truly happy. I am really excited for you and how well you are doing.

  4. Sufjan is a gorgeous human being.
    I love your enterpretations of his music :]

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