Too Bad

I’ve become a little obsessed with Gimp lately.  I decided to redo my blog theme, and this is what I came up with.  Unfortunately I have to pay money to be able to use it, so it’s a no go.  Maybe someday in the future.hidden

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Now That She Knows: Part I

First of all, I apologize for those of you who have been waiting patiently for an update on how things are with L and I.  And before I keep writing, I decided that I need to give her a real name for my blog since I write about her so much.  I’ll call her Cookie.  I know that may seem cheesy, but it isn’t.  I don’t do cheesy.  One you meet her and learn more about her, it will make sense.

So…..on to what you want to know about.

I actually didn’t talk to her on Sunday like I was planning to.  It happened Saturday night after I got off work at 10.  I told her that I needed to talk to her about something really important and that I didn’t want to mess with any Mother’s Day plans she may have had, so if she wanted to talk that night we could.  She said that she wanted to, and then I got really nervous.  I knew it was the right time to do it, but I was still nervous.

I picked her up after work and we drove to the Logan Temple.  I had told her that I wanted the right feeling while we were talking, and so I asked her to pray.  She did, and I was already crying.  I expected that I would cry more than she did, so I wasn’t really surprised that I was already crying.  I could tell that she was confused.  I had told her in an earlier text that it didn’t have to do with our relationship or my personal worthiness, but just something important.  She had thought maybe I was moving, but now it was obvious it was much more than that.  After the prayer, I just sat there and cried for about a minute.

And then I came out.  I told her that I wasn’t expecting any certain reaction from her and all I wanted from her was to have an open heart.  She did, and she didn’t give me any reaction really.  I told her everything I could think of saying at that point, and when I was done, she didn’t say anything.  I was finally able to look at her (because I hadn’t been able to look at her up until this point), and she was crying.  Not a lot, but there were definitely tears.  I asked her if she had any questions, and she said that she did, but didn’t know where to begin.  She was definitely overwhelmed.  We/I talked a little bit longer, and I asked her to not talk to anyone who didn’t know about it for a week.  I didn’t want her to tell her mom if she felt like she wanted to until things had sunk in.  I also told her that I didn’t want her to make any decisions about our relationship for about a week.  We went back to my house and walked around the neighborhood and the park near our house.  We talked a little bit about my SGA, but we talked about other things.  We held hands, and then she hugged me and told me that she loved me so much.  That was SO helpful.  We talked a little bit here and there, but she was still numb to everything.

We talked on Sunday a little bit after church, but we were with her family, so we didn’t talk too much about it.  She went to her grandmother’s house for mother’s day, and I went home.  I had a few friends that know the both of us check in with her and see if she needed to talk.  When she got back, we went to S.’s house for a music night.  Almost everyone there was a MoHo or new about us.  I think it was good for her to see them in that light of things.  When I went to drop her off at her house, we started talking about some things she had been thinking about.  We talked more about what I personally experience and not so much about the generalities of SGA.  We talked about concerns that she had and how we would work through it.  She felt a lot better about things, but still had a lot on her mind.

Last night was incredible – but I’m going to save that for another post.  I’ll write it soon, I promise!  Be patient!

Tomorrow is the Big Day!

Wow, I can’t believe that I’m actually writing this right now!  After a lot of thought and talking with people and Heavenly Father, I feel like I need to talk to L. tomorrow.  So, please pray for her that she’ll be understanding and for me that I won’t vomit all over her out of nervousness!

Torn

I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy.  There are a lot of things that bring me happiness, but I don’t know that I’ll ever feel true, encompassing happiness about where I am in my life.

With L (my missionaries new name) coming home, I’ve thought a lot about all of this.  Sometimes I just want to be with her.  I just want to marry her now.

Being With a Girl

THE PROS:  I feel like I could make things work; that we could have a deep, intimate, loving relationship.  And I do think I could do that.  She makes me feel pretty good and happy.  The thought of spending the rest of my life with her seems like a good thing to do.  It is what is right. Right now is my best chance of getting married.  I don’t know that i’ll ever have this chance again.

THE CONS:  I’m not always attracted to her.  I love being with her, but sometimes it isn’t enough.  I really like cuddling with her and holding her hand.  I’m not necessarily turned on by it, but I do like it a lot.  Kissing her does turn me on, but not the same way that just holding hands with a guy does.  I don’t want to marry her and find out that I’ll never be able to give her what she deserves.

Being With a Guy

THE PROS: I would love to be with someone that I’m attracted to ALL of the time, not just sometimes.  I want to be able to feel like I wouldn’t have to “make things work”.  It should just come naturally.  I can see myself being happy with that.

THE CONS:  I will have turned away from so much of what I’ve believed and taught others about.  The gospel means so much to me.  I have made covenants in the temple that I don’t want to break.  I don’t think I could ever give that up.

Living Single for All/Most of My Life

THE PROS:  I wouldn’t have to worry about making anybody else happy other than myself.  I can do whatever I want.  I can spend my money on what I want to.  I can travel the world.  I can do everything I’ve ever wanted to do.  I can be myself.  I won’t have a family, but I don’t know that I really want my own family right now anyway.  I’m happy being single.

THE CONS:  Loneliness.  I don’t want to be alone.  What if I choose this path and by the time I’m 35, I hate that I’m alone?  I could live with others, but if I did I think I would have to live with a girl.  I’m okay with that, but I don’t think my parents would like that idea very much.  They know that it would be a bad idea for me to live with a gay guy, but I think they would worry about me living with a girl too.  Weird.  I even have a few girls in mind that I’d like to live with.  I’ll be the one that ends up taking care of my aging parents and handicapped brother.  I don’t have a problem with that, but I don’t think that is how I want to spend a lot of my life.  I’m selfish like that.

What if I choose one path and it isn’t working for me?  How will that affect other people?

Is it better to be happy and single, or kind of happy and married?

Will I be truly happy in any path that I pick?

Looking for Advice

Coming out to my girlfriend is going to happen sometime in the near future.  Sometimes I am excited about it, and other times I’m really nervous about it.  I have an idea in my head about when, how, and where I would like to do it, but I want to hear your ideas.  If you were (or have been in this situation) please tell me what you would do as far as:

1 – When you’d tell her (That is, how far into the relationship)?

2 – How would you go about it?

3 – Would you give her anything to read?  If so, what?

4 – Any other thoughts on all of this.

Just an update on where we are – we are kind of in limbo as to where our relationship is.  We’re dating….ish, but not public about it.  It’s kind of complicated, but things are good and we’re moving at a good pace in the right direction.  Things are good.