Looking for Advice

Coming out to my girlfriend is going to happen sometime in the near future.  Sometimes I am excited about it, and other times I’m really nervous about it.  I have an idea in my head about when, how, and where I would like to do it, but I want to hear your ideas.  If you were (or have been in this situation) please tell me what you would do as far as:

1 – When you’d tell her (That is, how far into the relationship)?

2 – How would you go about it?

3 – Would you give her anything to read?  If so, what?

4 – Any other thoughts on all of this.

Just an update on where we are – we are kind of in limbo as to where our relationship is.  We’re dating….ish, but not public about it.  It’s kind of complicated, but things are good and we’re moving at a good pace in the right direction.  Things are good.

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8 Responses

  1. I’m a big fan of No More Goodbyes. I am about half way through reading it, and plan on giving it to my parents when I come out in the near future.

  2. 1 (when): ASAP, IMO. When I figured myself out, there was no question in my mind that I had to tell Sarah, and soon. The longer you wait, the easier it gets to wait a little bit longer.

    This is especially important if you see the relationship going anywhere, or if you want it to, or if there are indications that she believes it’s going somewhere (or wants it to). All of the cards need to be on the table before either of you start making any important decisions or emotional investments, so that her feelings about the situation can be factored in.

    2 (how): I didn’t feel good about anything but a face-to-face up-front direct coming out with Sarah. Anything else would have felt like I was chickening out. In hindsight I probably could have gone about things a bit better, but Sarah might be able to give better advice from the woman’s point of view on what would work best.

    3 (reading): I’m a big fan of No More Goodbyes (and Sarah is too). It’s not a happy book, for the most part, but it does do a good job of helping the reader to understand some things. Others have recommended In Quiet Desperation, and while I personally didn’t get as much out of that one, it may not be a bad choice.

    4 (other thoughts): Good luck, and know that Sarah and I are happy to visit with both of you if you think it would help at all.

  3. I want to just add to what Scott said:

    1. ASAP
    2. Not sure, just don’t freak her out about it before you get it out there. Seek the guidance of the spirit to help you know when, how, and what to say.
    3. Yes, I loved no more goodbyes, but it does leave you with the feeling that mixed orientation marriages are doomed to fail, or else require a huge sacrifice for both people to endure. I don’t feel that way now, but early on, the book is all I had to go on, so it really freaked me out. On the other hand, I don’t think it is good to leave her with unrealistic expectations of a perfect marriage and “happily ever after.” So, in addition to NMG, I recommend:

    1. She might want to join an email list, like the Northstar Spouse list or friends and family list. There are other people that are dating but not even engaged, let alone married on the spouse list that are there to see what life is really like after the fact.

    2. Quickly introduce her to blogs, like http://drexolympus.blogspot.com/, my blog, the simple story, etc. I would also encourage you to meet other people besides us, especially those who have gone into marriage eyes open, like Drex and Salad, Kengo & Miki, etc. (I have met others I can contact for you.)

    Good luck! Like Scott says, we are happy to be there for her and you in any way we can! Let us know what happens!

  4. Hi, good post. I have been pondering this issue,so thanks for writing. I’ll certainly be subscribing to your posts.

  5. Hey, thanks so much for your comments so far. I really appreciate it! It is good to get different points of view, so thanks so much. And to everyone who hasn’t commented yet – wtf? Just kidding. But really, I’d love to hear from you!

    One last thing – the previous comment makes me laugh. It is spam, but I really liked it with this post, so I approved it. It makes me laugh. I don’t know why a woman who’s blog is about weight loss has been thinking about coming out to her girlfriend too. Hmmm….neat.

  6. I think it depends a lot on her. I also think sooner is much better than later, but the how and what kind of “preparation” is needed is hard to say, not knowing her. If she doesn’t know of any Mormons who have SSA but stay in the church, she might think once you come out to her that you don’t have a testimony or something (so sad that that stuff is still so prevalent, but it is), so make sure that you’re clear about your commitment to the gospel as well. Above all, I guess I’d recommend you tell her that you’re still you, that this is one part of you but not all, and that you’re the same person you always have been.

    Good luck!

  7. re: Austin’s suggestion to make sure she knows you are still committed to the Gospel. This is a good idea, but only if you are still committed to the Gospel. 🙂

    That may seem obvious, but I’ve known people (and I’ve been guilty of this myself) who, in an attempt to soften the blow of the “I’m gay”, make promises or statements about their goals or intentions that are misleading or untrue, which leads to disappointment or hurt further down the road when the real truth comes out.

    So in addition to coming out re: your sexual orientation, make sure you’re completely honest with her about what your goals and intentions are for the future with regards to church, family, etc… Don’t try to sugarcoat or make things easier on her, because in the long run that just makes things harder.

  8. Good advice already. Be prayerful, be honest, be open, follow the spirit. You’ll do just fine. My wife and I would be happy to visit with the two of you as well. We would even make the trek!

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