Torn

I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy.  There are a lot of things that bring me happiness, but I don’t know that I’ll ever feel true, encompassing happiness about where I am in my life.

With L (my missionaries new name) coming home, I’ve thought a lot about all of this.  Sometimes I just want to be with her.  I just want to marry her now.

Being With a Girl

THE PROS:  I feel like I could make things work; that we could have a deep, intimate, loving relationship.  And I do think I could do that.  She makes me feel pretty good and happy.  The thought of spending the rest of my life with her seems like a good thing to do.  It is what is right. Right now is my best chance of getting married.  I don’t know that i’ll ever have this chance again.

THE CONS:  I’m not always attracted to her.  I love being with her, but sometimes it isn’t enough.  I really like cuddling with her and holding her hand.  I’m not necessarily turned on by it, but I do like it a lot.  Kissing her does turn me on, but not the same way that just holding hands with a guy does.  I don’t want to marry her and find out that I’ll never be able to give her what she deserves.

Being With a Guy

THE PROS: I would love to be with someone that I’m attracted to ALL of the time, not just sometimes.  I want to be able to feel like I wouldn’t have to “make things work”.  It should just come naturally.  I can see myself being happy with that.

THE CONS:  I will have turned away from so much of what I’ve believed and taught others about.  The gospel means so much to me.  I have made covenants in the temple that I don’t want to break.  I don’t think I could ever give that up.

Living Single for All/Most of My Life

THE PROS:  I wouldn’t have to worry about making anybody else happy other than myself.  I can do whatever I want.  I can spend my money on what I want to.  I can travel the world.  I can do everything I’ve ever wanted to do.  I can be myself.  I won’t have a family, but I don’t know that I really want my own family right now anyway.  I’m happy being single.

THE CONS:  Loneliness.  I don’t want to be alone.  What if I choose this path and by the time I’m 35, I hate that I’m alone?  I could live with others, but if I did I think I would have to live with a girl.  I’m okay with that, but I don’t think my parents would like that idea very much.  They know that it would be a bad idea for me to live with a gay guy, but I think they would worry about me living with a girl too.  Weird.  I even have a few girls in mind that I’d like to live with.  I’ll be the one that ends up taking care of my aging parents and handicapped brother.  I don’t have a problem with that, but I don’t think that is how I want to spend a lot of my life.  I’m selfish like that.

What if I choose one path and it isn’t working for me?  How will that affect other people?

Is it better to be happy and single, or kind of happy and married?

Will I be truly happy in any path that I pick?

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3 Responses

  1. Many of us have been through exactly this analysis before, many are still there.

    But I think I know what the MOM guys will say. Any choice that involves another person is just as much that person’s choice as yours, and they need full disclosure and information before making either of you commits to the other. They will tell you to come out to your girlfriend sooner rather than later, and not to hold anything back if you expect her to gamble her life and eternity on being with you as you’ve described yourself. Anything less would be deceptive and unfair to her.

    Once you let her make that decision, a lot of the other ones will start to fall into place.

  2. Oops, that should have been “before either of you commits to the other.” It’s late!

  3. Not feeling attracted to your wife is a big concern. This was something that I had to face while dating my wife. We had already been talking about marriage, and I wasn’t sure if I felt any attraction toward her at all. I enjoyed kissing her, but I wasn’t sure how all of this was going to work out. I really struggled with this… and then one day she was in the kitchen making something in an apron, and I remember thinking, “dang, that apron is cute… I find the girl in the apron cute.” I went and kissed her, and I just sort of knew that everything would be okay in the attraction world. And I can promise you that love trumps attraction. When you have true emotional love, sexual attraction comes much more naturally than I would have expected. My attraction for my wife has grown by leaps and bounds over the last few months. It isn’t even something that I really worry about anymore.

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