Why I’m Happy With Being Single and Some Random Thoughts on Marriage

I’m really excited about the fact that I’m going to be single for quite a while.  This may seem strange to a lot of people, and I understand.  I don’t think living single is the answer for everyone that deals with Same Gender Attraction, or whatever you want to call it.

But it is the answer for me.  And I like it.  I’m really excited about it actually.

I think that a lot of times, we as members of the church hear so much about a certain point of doctrine that we leave out some of the important details.  One of those doctrines with important details that are easily overlooked is the doctrine of Eternal Marriage.

The doctrine is that we must marry in order to achieve exaltation.  If we are not presented with the opportunity in this life to marry, we will have that opportunity in the next life.  I have often heard instructors (particularly in priesthood lessons) say that it is our responsibility as men to marry, and if we don’t marry in this life, then we have pretty much missed our chance.  I think that is a mostly true statement, in that it is up to us as men to make sure we get married.  It is understandable for women to not marry because culturally, they aren’t in charge of “popping the question”.  But we, as homosexuals in the church, may not have the opportunity to marry.  Does that mean that if we die without marriage that we missed the boat and will have to be ministering angels for eternity?

No.  I don’t believe so.  God knows what is going on and will be merciful.  Some of us may marry, and some may not.  Either way is fine.  God has a plan for each of us, and marriage may not be on the list of things to do.  I had the “opportunity” to get married.  My girlfriend knew what was going on, and I think she would have been strong enough to deal with it.  But it wasn’t right, and we both knew it.  Did I loose my chance for exaltation?  No.  Absolutely not.  Even though i had that “opportunity”, it was better for me and her to not take it.  And God knows that.  And I can’t be blamed for what I can’t control.

I think that members of the church think that marriage is the only way to have a happy life.  Perhaps a marriage and family will provide the greatest happiness in life, but it is not the only source of happiness. I may never get married.  I know it isn’t in my near future for a lot of reasons, but maybe someday it will be a possibility.  Until that happens though, I’m going to move forward with my life.  That is what I’m excited about.

I feel like I can have a lot/most of the benefits of married life without being married.  Obviously, unless I start dating, I won’t have the benefits of companionship, and that will be hard, but I will still have close friends and family.  I won’t have my own kids, but I will have my sisters kids that I can help raise.

There are a lot of benefits to marriage that I think I’ll be able to feel with what I do with my life.  I plan to teach English in an Asian Country, provide humanitarian aid in third world countries, work in orphanages South America and Africa, and spend a lot of my life helping other people.  I want to let other Latter Day Saints who are “struggling” with Same Gender Attraction realize that they are fine and that life is ok with SGA.  I want to help members of the church realize that we are normal people living normal lives.

I want to spend my life helping others.  That is part of who I am.  I feel happiest when I am helping people become better, and now I have so many opportunities to do that.  And I will.

I can’t wait to live my single life.


A Letter From My Brother-In-Law

My whole family now knows about my big secret.  I told my little sister who is 17 the day after Cookie and I broke up.  My little sister really liked Cookie, and I knew that she would want to know what was really going on.  I had been testing the waters with her for a few months, and I felt like she had a pretty good grasp on things.  She handled things really well and I’m so glad that she did.

I told my older sister just a few days ago, and I knew that she would be very understanding.  She has always been one of my best friends, and we tend to agree on just about everything.  She also handled everything very well.  I told her that it was up to her whether or not she told her husband, but I wanted her to do it, and not me.

I’ve never really felt close to my brother in law.  He’s a great guy and everything, but I just haven’t had the chance to get to know him better than I do.  We have some different points of view, but we are family so we get along.  I knew that I would eventually tell my whole family, but he was the one person I wasn’t too sure about telling.  I just didn’t know how he felt about homosexuality.

He sent me an email last night that I really appreciated, and I wanted to post it here.  This just reminds me that people you wouldn’t think would be understanding can be very understanding.

Hey Hidden
I’m not the most eloquent person on this good green earth so I hope short and to the point is ok with you.  A. (my sister) decided to share with me the problems you are working through right now when she got home last night.  I told her that I really appreciated that she had kept me in the loop with something as difficult as this is.
A lot of thoughts have gone through my head since that conversation, most you probably don’t give a flying rats rear end about but here are a few of them.
I can’t say that I have complete empathy for your problems because that would mean that I had gone through, experienced and overcome the same challenges.  I haven’t.  I have however struggled greatly with similar issues which do lend me great sympathy and understanding toward your situation.
I know we haven’t been blood brothers or anything but I can say this, that A. means everything in this world to me, I mean everything.  Your family means the world to A., and again I mean everything.  That being said, you’re as blood of a brother as you can get.  We are both here to support you in anyway imaginable.  Call, write, visit.  Whatever, whenever, however.  I think you get the point.  Please don’t hesitate even for a minute to ask for any kind of help that you may need as you sort through the issues and difficulties that you find yourself in now and in the future.
All I really care about anymore in this life is that people around me understand God (as much as they are willing) and that they are truly happy.  Everthing else is just monkey poop.  🙂
I think I’m getting redundant here, but I just wanted to let you know that our home is always open to you and you are always welcome to draw from whatever resources we have available (mostly hot air) at anytime you may need them.  Just ask..
We’ll see you on Sunday.
Did he just come out to me?  “I have however struggled greatly with similar issues which do lend me great sympathy and understanding toward your situation.” Just kidding, he’s pretty much as straight as they come.  I really appreciated this and I’m so glad that I have such a loving and understanding family.

My Obviously Gay Traits

I’ve decided that I want to start keeping a list of my Obviously Gay Traits (OGT’s) on my blog for all to read and laugh at.  There is a link on the sidebar, or you can just click here to see the list!

What to Expect from a Matis Fireside

The search engine term that brings the most people to my blog is “Matis Fireside”.  When doing a google search, my blog comes up as the number 4 choice.  I decided that since this is what a lot of people are looking for, I would do a run-through of what to expect from a Matis fireside.

Going to a Matis Fireside for the first time can definitely be scary, especially if you don’t know anyone.  What will everyone be like?  Will they be wearing sequins, rainbows, and tight pants?  Am I going to get hit on by other guys?  Is this going to lead me to develop a crush on someone?  Those are some of the questions I had my first time.

The Matis Fireside is pretty similar to any other fireside.  It isn’t held in a church, so you don’t have to dress up.  In fact, everyone will know that you are probably new if you do dress up.  While we’re on the subject of how people dress, let me tell you what most people wear.  Normal clothes.  I remember thinking that I had never been in a room with so many well dressed men.  Nothing was anything that I would classify as stereotypically gay – no sequins, leather, or feather boas.  I personally try to keep my high heels at home when I go to the firesides……and that was a joke.

The meeting is very comfortable and friendly. Just like any other fireside, it begins with a announcements, usually by Fred Matis.  A hymn is sung (and I think the church should ask the SGA choir to sing at a priesthood session of conference, haha….right….) and someone gives a prayer.  The speaker/performer is introduced, and then they speak/perform.  Then there is a closing prayer.  I have loved all of the firesides I have attended so far, and I’m excited to continue to attend.  Here is a list of the upcoming speakers.

After the fireside, there is a gathering at the Matis’ home for refreshments and socializing.  This is one of my favorite parts.  Meeting people and finding out that I was a lot more normal than I thought was one of the best things I could have done for myself.  I have made some amazing friendships with a lot of these guys.  I know I can confide in them.  It feels so great to be able to talk to people who understand what I feel like.

People are definitely there for different reasons.  Some go for the fireside, some go for the social aspect, and some go to “see and be seen”.  However, it is a very safe and comfortable environment.

I have never felt so welcomed into a group of people as I have at the firesides.  Everyone is so caring and loving.  They know why you are there, and they are there for the same reason – that is, we struggle with same gender attraction (and some people who don’t struggle do attend to show their support and love to those who do struggle – these are some of my favorite people).  It can definitely be nerve racking to think that you’ll be meeting probably well over 100 guys that are gay/struggle with SGA.  What will my reaction be to them, and vice versa?  Like I said, I have NEVER felt so welcomed into a group of people as I have at the firesides.  These are some of the most genuine and loving people I have ever met.

If you are planning to attend for the first time and are a little nervous about going, feel free to comment or even email me at hiddenlight@ymail.com.  I’d be more than happy to meet you there and introduce you to a lot of amazing people!

Fred and Marilyn Matis

Fred and Marilyn Matis

Feeling Strangely Fine, or Now That She Knows: Part 2

I’m sorry I didn’t ever update what happened after Cookie and talked about my being gay.  Things were good because we were able to be so open and honest with each other.  I loved that.  Things are still good with us.  We are great friends; something more than best friends – but not anything that could work in a married/committed relationship.  We’ve both realized this, and we are no longer dating.  It was a mutual decision, and I actually feel good about it.  I didn’t think I would, but I feel fine.

It is sad because I really hoped that I could make a relationship work.  Maybe someday in the future, but not now.  I’m okay with that.

Thank you for reading and being so supportive.  I love you guys!