Where do I belong?

Is it normal to ask the question “Where do I belong?”  I think it is a normal part of life for everyone.  We sometimes find ourselves in situations where we feel like we have no one to turn to.  We have our friends, but that isn’t always enough.  We have our beliefs, but sometimes that isn’t enough.  What do we do when we feel like we have no where to go?

I have some amazing friends, straight and gay.  I have an amazing family.  I love the church so much.  But I don’t feel like I belong with any of them.  In fact, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  I was driving from Provo to Salt Lake on Sunday and was really feeling this sense of not belonging.  I don’t know why because I had just spent the last 4 days with an amazing group of guys and felt totally comfortable being me around them – something I haven’t experienced a lot in my life.  I decided to stop at Thanksgiving Point and walk around the gardens there.  They were so beautiful and I was able to think about where I am now.

I’m happy and I like who I am.  There are, of course, things I’d like to do better and change about myself, but overall I’m happy.  I just don’t feel like I really fit in with anyone.

I don’t think I struggle with depression.  I have my down times as does everyone else, and after a few days I pull out of it.  I do struggle with feeling loved though, which makes me feel depressed.  I have a hard time not being the most important person to someone.  This is why I avoid getting too close to people.  I tend to get emotionally attached.  The more I get to know them, the more important I want to be in their life.  And then I feel like I am a very important person in their life.  But eventually I learn that I’m not the most important person they know.  There is always someone better.  I’m afraid of always feeling this way.

I’m afraid that I’ll never feel good enough for anyone, and I hate that feeling.  I’m afraid of where that feeling might take me.

This is the biggest thing I want to change about myself.  I don’t want to get too emotionally attached to people.

People move on.  We all grow, and that sometimes takes us in different directions.  I know I have done this to other people, and I am sorry.  I think it is just part of life, and something we need to learn from.

I’m happy though, and I’m not just saying that.  I just need to learn how to be more independent.


One Response

  1. Hidden, Even though I am married, because I have an emotional need to feel connected and validated to my male peers, I often feel alone. I don’t know if I can adequately express my thoughts here, but I’ll try.

    Being independent sounds good, and to a point is, but I suppose it depends on your definition and to what extent you take it. For example, because I didn’t want to get hurt by rejection, for years I avoided anyone or any circumstance that could lead to a close association that could then end up hurting me.

    I basically shut off my feelings, and it was very unhealthy. Sometimes we need to risk potentially getting hurt in order to find true and lasting relationships. True, people and circumstances do change, but to avoid getting close to someone for fear of eventual rejection is shutting ourselves off from some of the most enjoyable and important parts of life.

    I think the key is to develop a strong enough sense of self worth that we are willing to be a bit vulnerable with others. For me, this comes by strengthening my relationship with my Father in Heaven as one of his sons, knowing that he loves me as I am.

    You are a good man. Acknowledge it and be grateful others see it.

    Love you man,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: