The Awakening

When I was an English major a few years ago, we had to read The Awakening by Kate Chopin.

I don’t remember all the details of the book, but I do remember really liking it and feeling some kind of a connection with it.  It is about a woman in Louisiana in the late 1800’s.  She is married and is a mother of two.  She has always done what was expected of her and finds herself unhappily married with children.  She doesn’t want to be a mother anymore, nor does she want to be married.  It isn’t that she doesn’t love her husband and children; she is just tired of playing that role.

The line “She wanted something so happen – something, anything.  She did not know what” is kind of the theme of the book.  She searches in desperation for something to fill the hole that she feels.  This feeling overpowers her and she searches through different lifestyle options.  She tries swiming, having affairs, music, art, and other things.  She enjoys each new adventure, but never really has a feeling of fulfillment.

In the end, she has nothing.  She was never able to find something satisfying.  The first time that she feels “something” is when she goes swimming, and in the end of the book, she goes swimming again.  This time, she walks onto the beach and takes her bathing suit off.  She walks naked into the water and begins swimming.  She swims and swims – farther than ever before.  Her legs and arms feel heavy, and she drowns.

Sometimes I feel the same way.  I flounder from thing to thing; place to place; person to person.  I never feel satisfied with who, where, and what I am. It always leads me to think that I am of little worth.  I lack the motivation to do anything.  I have no feelings.  I’m numb.

I talked to my friend K (I really need to come up with a name for her, since I always talk about her) about how I’ve been feeling.  After talking about her (and others) similar feelings, I have decided to see a therapist about depression.

I don’t think it is severe.  I’ve never had suicidal thoughts.  I do get very down sometimes and lack any motivation or feeling.  I hesitate posting about this because I don’t want people to think that I’m seeking attention.  I don’t know if I am or not, but it is something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and I wanted to get it off my chest.  So there it is.

On an unrelated note, I love the last few lines of the book when Edna dies, so I decided to add them here.  I just think that they are beautiful in their description.

It was too late; the shore was far behind her, and her strength was gone.

She looked into the distance, and the old terror flamed up for an instant, then sank again.  Edna heard her father’s voice and her sister Margaret’s.  She head the barking of an old dog that was chained to the sycamore tree.  The spurs of the cavalry officer clanged as he walked across the porch.  There was the hum of bees, and the musky odor of pinks filled the air.

What I Want

What is the purpose of this blog?

I have gone through some of my previous posts and found quotes that I fell like epitomize what I want this blog to be.  There is only one quote that I actually say what I want people to get out of this blog, which is this one:

I’m not ashamed of the fact that I’m gay and that I’m active in the LDS church.  I want people to understand me and my situation better.  I want those who experience same gender attraction to know they are not alone and that they are normal.  I want them to know that there are more options then “living a lie in the church” and “living the lifestyle”.I want members of the church that have little or no experience with homosexuality other than what they see and hear on the news to be more understanding of something that tends to be taboo in Mormon culture.  I want all members of the church to be more understanding and loving of those who are different.  We all have things that we have to deal with, and some of those things are easy to hide.  Usually those things that are hidden are usually the things that can provide the greatest learning experiences.  Camille Fronk Olsen said at a Matis Fireside when someone asked her “Why is there this cookie cutter mentality in the Church?”  She replied, “It’s easy to focus on the outward appearance. Whatever the Ensign cover looks like, that’s how life should be! But really, the best articles in the Ensign are by ‘Name Withheld’”

This next quote is more or less an example of some of the frustrations I experience.  I include this so that people who do not experience Same Gender Attraction can know what I sometimes feel.

I remember a few times that I have been upset with God for putting me through this.  Why the hell do I have to want something so bad, and in order to be in complete harmony with the church, not give in to what I want?  Why do I have to endure hateful rhetoric in an environment that should not be a place where that occurs?  Why do I have to experience the pain of peope putting me on a lower level then themselves because “there is something wrong with me”?  Why do people think that I have less faith or am less worthy than them?  What the hell?

This last quote is just one that I love that I read on someone else blog.  I think this is really the ultimate goal of any movement (not that I’m trying to start a movement, but I do want to increase understanding and break down walls).

“Civilization is the process in which one gradually increases the number of people included in the term ‘we’ or ‘us’ and at the same time decreases those labeled ‘you’ or ‘them’ until that category has no one left in it.”
– Howard Winters

Not Published….Yet

So, an update for those of you that were expecting a post yesterday about the article about my blog.

My friend that wrote the article texted me Sunday night to inform me that they decided to postpone printing the article for a few weeks so that they can expand it and cover other areas of the MoHo world, from Evergreen to gay mormons that have left the church.  So, please be patient!  It will come out (haha) soon!

Jealousy

I’m not really feeling down on myself while I write this.  This is actually something I have wanted to write about for quite some time, but just haven’t yet.  So….here it goes!

I have a weakness.  Well, I have a few…maybe.  But my biggest one is probably jealousy, and this jealousy usually revolves around relationships.

I have never really felt like I have had a constant and close relationship.  There are a few people that I have had as best friends since I was born and we have shared so much with each other, but our relationships have drifted from what they were just a few years ago.  I still talk to these people regularly, but it isn’t the same.

Throughout my life, close friendships have come and gone, and it usually isn’t by my own choice.  Some friendships have just drifted while other friends have just told me straight up that they don’t want to hang out with me anymore.  Both situations were hard.

I now have some very good, very close friends.  I have a fear that they all, too, will eventually move on for various reasons and I will be left by myself again.

I feel like I can’t be loved.  I have such a strong desire to be the most important thing in somebody’s life.  I don’t care if it is romantic or not, I just want to be someones number one.  I’m afraid this won’t happen.  From my experience so far, I am never quite up there with anyone else.  They always have a friend they are closer to, a significant other, or a member of their family that they just connect to a little bit better than me. My friends will move on.  And I should let them, even when I don’t want to.

I have a few friends that I am very close with, and I feel like it is possible that we will be very close for a long time.  I love these people so much and am so grateful for their friendship, but it still isn’t exactly what I’m looking for.

I want that one.

Like I said, I don’t care if it is romantic or not.  I just want to be the most important person in someones life.  A lot of people, if not all people, not only experience this longing to be the most important person to someone, but I also think a lot of people feel like they haven’t filled the feeling either.  I haven’t talked to many married people about it so I don’t know if marriage or a commited relationship makes much of a difference, but from people I have talked to about this share similar feelings.

I want to be the one.

I know this is a lot to ask, and I may never feel like I accomplish this.  Until this happens, though, I will try to continue to make friends and deepen the friendships I already have.

Published

The newspaper at Utah State University has found me and is doing an article on my “story” and my blog.  Someone (I don’t know who) told the editor about my blog, and the editor gave the assignment to a writer that writes a lot about the gay community and gay rights.  After this writer read through my blog, he realized he knew that I was the author (and he already knew I’m gay, so it wasn’t a big deal).  So we set up an interview, and it is being published in the newspaper on Monday!  I’m really excited about it and I’ll post it up here when I can!

The Laramie Project

Tomorrow marks 11 years from the day that Matthew Shepard was murdered.

I recently watched The Laramie Project, a movie about the aftermath of Matthew Shepards death.  It doesn’t try to show any one side of the issue.  It isn’t urging anyone to support gay rights or to hate gays.  In my opinion, it’s purpose is to show the reality of hate crimes and peoples different reactions to them.  Some people react negatively while others wake up to a sense of humanity and love.

It is an incredible, beautiful, heart wrenching movie.

Survival

When I was in high school, I went on a week long survival trip in Escalante.  I loved it.  We took 20 kids from my high school and 5 from a high school for kids that were kicked out of our high school for drug problems or violence.

When we got to Escalante, our leaders pointed to a plateau far off in the distance and said “We need to be there in 4 days.  It doesn’t matter how you get there.  Just get there somehow.”  Then the girls went one way and the boys went another.  We didn’t see the other group for those four days.  We had instant breakfast each morning, and then something along the lines of 1/2 a cup of rice or an ash cake for each meal.  We slept in caves and under the stars.  We kept our eyes on the plateau and on the fourth day, we reached the top.  We had to wait for a few hours, but shortly thereafter, the girls arrived.

We spent that afternoon hiking, and then had to spend 24 hours by ourselves with no food.  This proved extremely difficult, and I was so glad to see everyone the next day.  When we had collected everyone along the trail, we were taken to a secluded area where our leaders could talk to us.  We talked about life and how we are to go about living it.  I learned a lot from that trip, but most of all this:

It doesn’t matter how we get from point A to point B.  All that matters is that we actually get there.

I think this is so applicable to so many aspects of life.  It doesn’t matter if we go to college or learn a trade or just fall into a good career.  Heck, it doesn’t even matter if we stick to any conventional plan at all.  All that matters is that we are successful, and success is defined by the individual.

It doesn’t matter how we make it through this life.  What matters is that we do.  We all must do what will make us happiest.