Jealousy

I’m not really feeling down on myself while I write this.  This is actually something I have wanted to write about for quite some time, but just haven’t yet.  So….here it goes!

I have a weakness.  Well, I have a few…maybe.  But my biggest one is probably jealousy, and this jealousy usually revolves around relationships.

I have never really felt like I have had a constant and close relationship.  There are a few people that I have had as best friends since I was born and we have shared so much with each other, but our relationships have drifted from what they were just a few years ago.  I still talk to these people regularly, but it isn’t the same.

Throughout my life, close friendships have come and gone, and it usually isn’t by my own choice.  Some friendships have just drifted while other friends have just told me straight up that they don’t want to hang out with me anymore.  Both situations were hard.

I now have some very good, very close friends.  I have a fear that they all, too, will eventually move on for various reasons and I will be left by myself again.

I feel like I can’t be loved.  I have such a strong desire to be the most important thing in somebody’s life.  I don’t care if it is romantic or not, I just want to be someones number one.  I’m afraid this won’t happen.  From my experience so far, I am never quite up there with anyone else.  They always have a friend they are closer to, a significant other, or a member of their family that they just connect to a little bit better than me. My friends will move on.  And I should let them, even when I don’t want to.

I have a few friends that I am very close with, and I feel like it is possible that we will be very close for a long time.  I love these people so much and am so grateful for their friendship, but it still isn’t exactly what I’m looking for.

I want that one.

Like I said, I don’t care if it is romantic or not.  I just want to be the most important person in someones life.  A lot of people, if not all people, not only experience this longing to be the most important person to someone, but I also think a lot of people feel like they haven’t filled the feeling either.  I haven’t talked to many married people about it so I don’t know if marriage or a commited relationship makes much of a difference, but from people I have talked to about this share similar feelings.

I want to be the one.

I know this is a lot to ask, and I may never feel like I accomplish this.  Until this happens, though, I will try to continue to make friends and deepen the friendships I already have.

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7 Responses

  1. Hey there man, you’ve gotta know that I love you. I totally understand what you’re saying in your post though, and I think that you’re totally correct in saying that to have a mutually #1 relationship with someone is a strong and deep desire for most people. I long for that too, sometimes more and sometimes not as much as others, but it’s most always there to some degree or another. But, Jeff, I really think that you’re going to find fulfillment for that desire. I really do think that you’ll find someone and that the relationship there will fill you so that you no longer feel that void. I really mean it. It’ll happen. Until then, you’ve got it right. Keep good relationships with your dear friends and look for the time to come. Love you man. Really, I do. Ciao Jeff, my friend…and roomie. Lol

  2. Hey, I totally hear you on this one. I always strive for a very strong friendship with one person but like you that one person always has a huge group of friends that they are closer too. I just hope we both can find that. Love you man and will see you soon.

  3. … my deepest desire… Ditto

  4. You’re not alone in this. I think most people desire a “best friend”, and if the reparative people are on to something, SSA/gay guys would have an even stronger desire for the male identification and connection that comes from such a friendship.

    But then, I also question whether some of us same-sex-attracted types magnify the desire for a “best friend” out of denial of our romantic desires rather than calling a spade a spade. In other words, do we refuse to admit to ourselves that we want a “romantic partnership” and instead put all of those desires onto our friends, which would be a recipe for disaster in most cases?

    Straight people do some of this, too, by the way. Newlyweds expecting each other to fill every emotional need and be everything to each other, only to find out that’s too much to expect of almost any relationship without it becoming an unhealthy, codependent thing…

    Them’s my thoughts on the matter.

  5. I’m not going to sugar coat this. If that’s a problem, stop reading now.

    Harsh though this may sound, the only common denominator in your failed friendships is you. A meaningful friendship won’t just drop in your lap. To have a friendship of any real substance, you must work for it. Occasionally you need to put your friend’s needs ahead of your own because they need you. Sometimes that friend will infuriate you. And times will get tough. But the key is stick it out through those hard times and from what I know of you, that is where you fall short. If being someone’s #1 were easy and filled with nonstop fun, it would be meaningless. But the way to become someone’s #1 is to stand by them even more when times are tough, to be available when the flaky friends are nowhere to be found.

    With friendship you get what you give, and if you’re not giving a lot to the friendship you’re out of your mind to expect anything significant to result. Look outward. Turn the focus from the miles and piles of you and see if you can be something meaningful in another person’s life. It’s worked for me repeatedly and I know it will work for you as well. It’s a cliché but if you want a good friend you need to BE a good friend. It’s no more complicated than that.

  6. @Semi Charmed: I think he’s talking about something more than good friendship. He even indicates that he already has some friends who he is very close with. He’s looking for something more:

    I just want to be someones number one. I’m afraid this won’t happen. From my experience so far, I am never quite up there with anyone else. They always have a friend they are closer to, a significant other, or a member of their family that they just connect to a little bit better than me.

    Barring an unhealthy codependent relationship, I think that the only person you will ever be that one to is, by definition, your “significant other”. Of course, this means that they will also be that one to you. You will both love each other so deeply that you will place the other’s needs on an equal level with your own.

    I don’t know if this sort of relationship must always include a romantic element. Every successful one that I’ve observed has, as far as I can recall…

    I think O-Mo is right, really. The “significant other” relationship that we’re looking for is almost certainly (deep in the recesses of our subconscious minds, at least) a romantic one. It’s a built-in need asking to be fulfilled. Forty-six years ago Elder Packer told students at a BYU fireside that “romantic love is not only a part of life, but literally a dominating influence of it. It is deeply and significantly religious. There is no abundant life without it.”

    Maybe it’s possible to make a platonic “significant other” relationship work. I’ve never seen one to know if it could be successful or not. We all want a soul-mate. Finding one is more complicated for a gay Mormon who wants to remain a member of the church in good standing. I’m not entirely certain it can be done, but I’d love to be proven wrong. Good luck!

    [[HUG]]

  7. Reminds me of a quote I found many years ago and continue to love…

    “A person can be lonely even if he is loved by many people, because he is still not the ‘One and Only’ to anyone.”
    -Anne Frank

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