Who I’ve Become

So, the ‘P’ button and the ‘M’ button don’t really work very well (which is funny because P&M are such commonly used letters in MoHo Writings….. Not that I’m trying to say something about P&M, but just so you know, if there is a missing ‘P’ or ‘M’, that is why).

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I “came out” a little over a year ago.

One year ago, few people would have thought I was gay.  I dressed just like every other guy, spoke the same way every other guy does, and did things that every other guy would do – at least, on the surface.  I still sat at home, secretly watching “What Not To Wear”.

When I was still in the mind frame that told me I was evil because I’m attracted to guys, I thought I would eventually become “one of those gays”.  You know, the ones that march around in colorful women’s clothing and have sex with every man they find.

I also thought that all gays were pedophiles, so I would eventually become one as well.  I think I was taught those two stereotypes for most of my life, so I thought that is what I would become.

Thank goodness I have since realized that just because I am attracted to men does NOT mean I have to be “one of those gays” or a pedophile.

Right after I came out, I had a dream that I was talking with a lisp.  I woke up freaking out, because I don’t talk with a lisp – yet another thing I thought I would eventually do as a gay man.

After a little while, I began to figure out that I don’t have to live up to those stereotypes I had built up in my mind.  I don’t want to.  I just want to be me.

I also realized that there are some parts of myself that I had been keeping in because I thought that if I allowed myself to do those things, people would make some assumptions about me that I didn’t want them to make.  Now that I have accepted the fact that I am attracted to men and I’m being pretty open about it, I’ve allowed myself to let those parts of me come out.  For example, I try to dress better, and a well dressed man obviously means he is gay, right?  haha, just kidding….but really.

I’m not afraid to admit that I watch shows like “What Not To Wear”, or “Project Runway”.  I go shopping more than I used to.  I cook more than I used to.

These are all little things that I wouldn’t necessarily say are stereotypically gay, but these are things that I tried to avoid when I was younger so that people wouldn’t think I was gay.  People have mentioned to me that they have noticed the change, and some have even said that I have become more gay than I was a year ago.  I suppose they might be right, and in some ways it is true.  Really though, I think it has always been there – the desire to dress well, to cook, to sew, to watch the gay TV shows – but I never felt comfortable with letting myself do those things.  Now that I have nothing to hide, I do those things.  Some friends think it is weird.  My family usually just laughs at me (in a nice way, of course) when I come home with new clothes or when I want to watch “Project Runway”, but I think I am finally letting myself do things that I have always wanted to do but felt like I shouldn’t.  I’m being more real with who I am, and I like it.

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2 Responses

  1. My friend, A dreadful habit of my wife has rubbed off on me. She often randomly breaks out in song when something someone say sets off a trigger in her mind, only she sings well. When I read your last line, I thought of Tina Turner and broke out singing, ‘I’m about to say I’m gay and I think I like it!’ Count yourself lucky you couldn’t hear me!

    Acceptance is the antidote to shame. Accepting your attractions and nature are a healthy step in the right direction. Think of the good you have done for others as well because you own who you are.

    I love you. You have blessed my life. Merry Christmas!

  2. Ha, as I was reading, I noticed a white blip on a word, and I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. As I scanned the page, it happened again. “Oh no,” I wondered, “do I have an eye problem? A new blind spot in my line of vision?” Then I noticed a virtual snowflake drifting down the side, and I was relieved.

    As for gay traits, I have straight friends who enjoy Project Runway and What Not To Wear, and who love cooking, and sewing, and singing, and dressing well… I support your finding comfort in pursuing your interests. Yes, gay guys tend to care about those things, possibly due to cultural pressure, just like straight guys tend to avoid them, probably due to cultural pressure. But why can’t we let people innocently pursue their interests without ascribing straightness, homoness, nerdiness, jockness, or whatever else to them? Drives me batty.

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