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You Don’t Know Me At All!

Okay, so maybe that was a dramatic title.  It comes from a song by Ben Folds.  That is all.

I’ve started seeing a therapist.  Not to change my orientation or anything like that.  It is more to figure out who I am, to work on depression, and to manage my anxiety and panic attacks I’ve been having in church.  It’s been good for me, but I think the thing I get out of it the most are the realizations I’m making while talking about what I’m feeling.

Today I made a few realizations.  Actually, one was re-realizing that I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, but that is something I’ve felt my whole life and I’ve already talked about that on this blog.  What I realized today is that I feel like a lot of people have misconceptions of who I am.  This is everyone from my friends and family all the way to anyone who reads this blog and has no idea who I am.  I don’t think I even know who I am.  I think that K and J are the two people that have the best ideas of who I am and what I really think and feel.

Some people think all I talk about is homosexuality.  It is a prominent subject, I’ll admit that, but it isn’t all I talk about or think about.  I have other parts of my life.  Some people think I am a super-mormon guy who thinks this or that.  I’m not.  Some people think I am dating and “living the lifestyle”, as some may put it.  I’m not.

I’m me, and just me.  I don’t fit any stereotypes.  I am an independent man with thoughts of my own.  You probably don’t agree with my thoughts, but that’s okay.  I like what I think, and I base my beliefs on my own personal thoughts.

Just saying.


7 Responses

  1. Whoever you are, I like you!

  2. So, I don’t think I’ve met you yet, (I’ve been to a few Matis Firesides, though, so its possible I have?) but I had to smile reading your blog. I LOVE “What Not to Wear,” I LOVE music, especially Eric Whitacre and Sufjan Stevens, and I LOVE to cook. Anyway, your blog is great. Keep it up 🙂

  3. Well, I’m happy for you and feeling for you all at the same time. I’ve been through terrible bouts of anxiety in the past and I’ve had my share of epiphanies.

    Recently, I just had to learn to stop worrying so much. People jump to the conclusion that I’m a total slut or prude, but I am me and they are simply using that as an excuse to not get to know me.

    In your case and my own. It’s their loss.

  4. I told a friend just the other day that I’ve had a lifelong feeling, to varying degrees in different times of my life, of not fully belonging anywhere. I can’t help but wonder if anyone who’s completely honest with him- or herself could feel that way at times, because they’re not just assimilating into what others think they should be. Regardless, though this produces occasional insecurities or feelings of loneliness, I usually consider it mostly a positive thing. Weird, right? 🙂

  5. Hey. I also worry about how others view me. I think it’s great that you’re seeing a counselor. I should do that while it’s free as a student.

  6. Jeff, I know that I don’t know you perfectly but because of my friendship with you and your family, I can say some things with absolute surety. You are an incredible person and you are a safe haven for those close to you. Your incredible ability and tendency to care for others is rare and itaffects those who benefit from it in very strong ways. I love you man and I am so grateful for your kindness and friendship. I may not know you all the way, but I do know enough to be specially grateful for you.

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