An Invitation to Understanding (About Me)

Everyone has a story.  We try to live as though we are normal and have perfect lives, when we really have out little quirks.  Some people are addicted to drugs.  Some people are abused.  Some people suffer endlessly from depression.  Many people feel lonely in a life surrounded by people.  There are thousands of people living in war torn countries.  Many couples experience fertility problems.  No matter how hard we try to make it look like we have perfect lives, we don’t.

For years, I tried to appear as normal as I could.  I lived like an Latter Day Saint boy should.  I went to church, served in callings, received better than average grades in school, and was an overall nice, happy kid.  To the world, I was what most parents wanted.  I had a few years of rebellion, but I eventually pulled myself out of it and got back on track.  In high school, I faithfully went to seminary, was in school plays and musicals, choir, and student government offices.  I wasn’t necessarily the most popular kid in school, but I was one of the well known kids that a lot of people wanted to be friends with.  I served a full time mission for the church and returned home honorably, hoping to soon marry my high school sweetheart.

But I was hiding a deep secret.  I was attracted to men.  I tried desparately to overcome it.  If only I read my scriptures more, prayed harder, and served others all the time, it would eventually go away.  I was NOT going to turn out as a homosexual. I wasn’t going to become a pedophile or someone that had illicit sex in public restrooms.  That is what gays did.  I wasn’t gay.  I couldn’t be.  I would get over it and live my happy, perfect looking life with my wife and kids.

It didn’t go away.  After I got the Aaronic Priesthood, Melchizidek Priesthood, went to the temple, and even served a mission, it didn’t go away.  In fact, I found myself more attracted to men the older I got.

By the time I got home from my mission, I was at least willing to admit to myself that I was somewhat attracted to men.  My girlfriend decided to serve a mission, and I decided that while she was gone, I was going to fix this problem.  Shortly after my 23rd birthday, I attended the counseling center at USU, and I “came out”.  I didn’t tell her everything.  I just told her that I thought I might be gay.  She gave me a telephone number for Evergreen, a support group for LDS men that “struggle with same gender attraction”.  I attended that for a few months, and met some amazing guys who have changed my life.  I’m not as close to a lot of them as I was for a while, but I still love them and am so grateful for who they have helped me to become.

I started attending Evergreen in October of 2008, and was invited to attend a Matis Fireside in December (read about that here).  I was meeting amazing people and becoming friends with a lot of the people that I was meeting.  I became part of a group of friends that hung out a lot and went on quite a few trips.  This group of friends has become some of my closest friends I’ve had and I still go on trips with them and talk with them quite often.  Because of them, I have grown to accept that I am gay, and that I’m not alone or broken.

In January, I told my parents that I was gay.  They were very supportive and told me that whatever I decision I make, they will always support me.  I love them so much for that.  My girlfriend came home from her mission, and I eventually told her.  We continued to date, but it became very difficult, so we broke up.  We are still friends and talk often. After we broke up, I started telling a lot of people – my whole family, most of my friends, and even some random strangers.  I have been met with different attitudes towards it, but most of it has been very positive.

At this point, I feel good about who I am.  I love that I am gay.  I love that I a Mormon.  Sometimes it is hard to have both, but I still love it.  I look forward to what life has to offer.

One Response

  1. Hey just wanted to thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts and feelings on your blog. Just this last month i have finally come out to myself and now im working on coming out to the family. So thanks be being you and for who you are!

    -Boyd

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