My Thoughts, Part II: It’s not you, it’s me.

I already have an answer to my question, but it is something that I still think about and want to blog about.  My question is about my Evergreen International group.

Don’t get me wrong,  I really enjoy the group.  All of the guys are really great.  Without the group, I wouldn’t have met so many guys with this struggle that are so supportive.  I would still be feeling very alone.  I wouldn’t have realized things about myself that are making a difference in the way a perceive things now.  In the month I’ve been attending the group, I have learned a lot.

Last week was the first time that the thought entered my mind that maybe it isn’t for me.  It isn’t anything about the group at all.  I love it and completely support it and the guys there.  I just don’t know if it is the right thing for me.

The thing that made me start thinking about this was that someone brought up the purpose of the group, which is to diminish feelings of same gender attraction.  They mentioned that if you aren’t willing to work on overcoming those feelings, you might as well not attend.  That sounds a bit extreme, but it is a good point.  If you are there just for company and you don’t really care very much about overcoming your attraction, why go?

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have this attraction not be a part of my life anymore.  It is possible that they will leave eventually.  Evergreen will be helpful with that.  However, there is an even greater possibility that I will always have these feelings.  I’ve accepted that, and I’m ok with it.  If I marry, I marry.  If I don’t, I don’t.  I’m fine with either one.  I know that it will be hard either way, but that is life.  So, because I’m ok with where I’m at – because I’m okay with living with SGA (even though I would love to not have it be there) – should I stop attending group?

No.

They made a good point, but I think they are incorrect.  At least, I think they are only partially right.  It is true that if someone doesn’t care to progress, they might be wasting their time there.  But why should that stop them from going?  Maybe these meeting will eventually get me to the point where I’m not okay with these feelings and I will try hard to overcome them.  For now though, I will keep going.  I want to be there, even if it is just to offer support.

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4 Responses

  1. Thanks for sharing some information about Evergreen. I haven’t ever been involved with them and have always been a little curious about people’s experiences with the group.

    Recently, a good friend that I’m very open with asked me what I would do if there were a “shot” available that would take my SGA away, would I get it? My answer, without very much thought, was no. It really caught him off gaurd and truth be told, it caught me somewhat off gaurd as well. I thought for a second about why that answer came out so quickly but more about why I answered that way when I’m trying so hard to be close to my Heavenly Father & Savior and find my place in a church that is not yet very accepting of me. The answer I came to was because I am me. I told him that one of the greatest things I have learned recently is a greater appreciation of the atonement and of the love that my Heavenly Father has for me. I am so grateful for so many people that I have met the last few months and I don’t know that I would ever really give it all up. He left me with one thought of something along the lines of the reality that my answer is somewhat biased because I don’t know what it would be like living without SGA. I told him that was okay.

    Thanks again for sharing. 🙂

  2. Dear Hidden and Andy, I enjoyed both of your comments. I envy you somewhat that at your age you understand your natures and are accepting of them. Not understanding or accepting my feelings caused me a lot of heartache over the years that I might have avoided had I known and accepted earlier. I just hope I would have the courage you both have. I am not sure I would.

  3. Have you checked out Affirmation? They have a different approach. Evergreen is as you say, dedicated to–I’ll be blunt–repression and “reparative therapy” as a way to cope, that’s why it has the unofficial backing of the Church. Affirmation has a much wider range of perspectives within its membership. Give them a look.

  4. I’m quite frankly surprised at the comment you heard. Like you I think they’re wrong. It’s a SUPPORT group, a place where you can go and talk about what’s troubling you and receive support from others who understand and offer them support in their rough times. I’d like to talk to whoever said that and find out what they really meant.

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